I met my best friend at church when I was almost 30 years old. Conveniently, my best friend’s daughter noticed that her mom and I had the same first name and announced that we should be best friends! Inconveniently, sometimes it seems as though our first name is the only thing we have in common. We have very different personalities. One is loud, and the other is quiet. One of us talks a mile a minute, and the other can sit for whole blocks of time without speaking. One is introverted, and the other is extroverted. We have different hobbies, passions, professions, ideas and opinions. 

On top of all of that, we have never lived close to each other. When we met, we lived an hour apart and would see each other only at church. Now, we live about four hours apart, and we have seen each other only once in the past year. Since we cannot spend a lot of time doing things together, we have to keep up our friendship with words. 

Even with email and the phone, words can be tricky. Sometimes we misunderstand each other. Sometimes one of us says the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sometimes we disagree, and we are not always as careful as we could be in choosing how we disagree. We have had to learn how to use our words to build up our friendship, instead of breaking it down. 

I was thinking about this the other day when I read this passage from Ephesians: “Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers” (Ephesians 4:28-29). 

What does instruction about stealing have to do with how we use our words in friendship? The first thing I noticed was that Paul gave two different instructions, but the idea behind each instruction is similar. First, he wrote that the person who has been a thief shouldn’t steal, but should work to be able to give something to others who are in need. In verse 29, it says that we shouldn’t say bad things to each other, but instead should say things that edify and impart grace. You could boil these down to “don’t take away from others; give to them.”

If I want to be a good friend when I am using my words, I need to choose words that won’t be harmful to my friends, but will strengthen and encourage them—words that will build them up. In a healthy friendship, if I do this for my friend, he or she will do the same for me. This makes each of us stronger and strengthens the friendship. 

What are some ways we can use our words to help our friends? 

FIRST, KNOW YOUR FRIEND

Proverbs 27:14 tells us “He who blesses his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it will be counted a curse to him.” Even the nicest words, if said at the wrong time or in the wrong way, can be unpleasant to others. Before we start talking, we should think about how our friend might be feeling, or what they might be experiencing, and how our words might come across. This is especially true if we have something critical to say, or advice to give, but it’s smart to consider even if we just want to talk about our day. If my friend is worried, sad or has had a terrible day, it might not be best to start proudly talking about how awesome things are for me!

NEXT, CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS

I’m pretty good at justifying what I want to say or do. Sometimes, I want to set someone straight about something, and I am completely convinced that how I am thinking about the topic is the right way to think about it. I feel I am helping my friend by showing them that they’re wrong. 

Maybe it isn’t surprising that most of the time, this isn’t the right approach. 

When we need to say something to a friend that might be hard for them to hear, we need to stop and think about whether we are actually trying to help them, or whether we want to prove our point or that we are right. Our goal should be to win our friend, not to win an argument. Romans 12:16 reminds us not to be wise in our own opinion and Ephesians 4:15 instructs us to tell the truth in love.

NOW, CHECK YOUR WORDS

In the verse in Ephesians, Paul said we shouldn’t let any corrupt talk come out of our mouths. There are different ways to think about the word, “corrupt.” In another place in Ephesians, Paul warned against “foolish talking” and “coarse jesting” (Ephesians 5:4). In Colossians 3:8-9, he wrote that we should put off “anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language” and that we should not lie to each other. But it’s more than what we don’t say. 

In Philippians 4:8, we’re encouraged to meditate on whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous and praiseworthy. If we are thinking about these things, our words will reflect them too. That doesn’t mean we can never express sorrow or anger or talk about a hard day. It does mean we can talk about difficult things in the light of our hope in God and with the intention of looking for the good. 

ABOVE EVERYTHING, SHOW LOVE

The New Testament is full of instructions to love one another. Christ taught that loving our neighbor is one of the two great commandments (Mark 12:31). Peter wrote that we should love one another above all (1 Peter 4:8). Paul wrote that love is the greatest of all the spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 13:13). It is clear we are to treat one another with deep love, no matter what. Love looks for the good in the other person. Showing love to our friend means we aren’t striving to correct them or show we are smarter than they are. We love them as they are and appreciate the differences between us. 

Even though we are not perfect, my best friend and I have a strong friendship because we have learned to use our words better throughout the years. We may not have a lot of interests in common, but following these steps has helped us choose words that build up each other and our friendship.  CC