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The Modesty Question: How Far is Too Far?

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The Modesty Question

How Far is Too Far?

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It doesn’t matter what your size or shape, immodesty can happen anywhere. It can happen as a result of an intent to be provocative, or to get attention, or can result from naiveté or even a wardrobe malfunction! After all, any outfit can become immodest when trying to wrangle an active toddler. I think I can safely say that I have probably been guilty of all of these at some point—as a teenager, single young adult, wife and mother.

What’s so difficult about modesty is to pin down just how far fashion can be followed without causing problems—for ourselves or for others. How can we even know what “too far” means? Everyone has their own opinion, and of course they think they’re right (it is, after all, kind of the defining feature of opinion).

But there is no black and white line on this issue. If there were, it would be so much easier, would it not? “Aha! This skirt is one inch too short, as God has designated in The Book of Textiles, chapter 10, verse 3.” However, as He has done on so many other equally important issues, He expects us to work within the gray areas and find a way to do our best to make Him happy, and as a result, to not cause offense to our brethren if we can avoid it.

Well, no one said it was going to be easy, did they? Sorry. I can’t give you easy. But here is some food for thought stemming from my own prior challenges (ahem, failures) in this area, otherwise known as opportunities for growth.

Before you dress for the day, pray!

God is actually very interested in fashion and textiles. You see clothing referenced often in Scripture. Look for references to clothing as you read your Bible. He loves beautiful things—and He loves you. Period. So begin to ask God very specifically to open your eyesto see if you are displeasing Him through your mode of dress.

If you need some inspiration and encouragement, remember Matthew 20:33-34, where two blind men asked Jesus Christ for mercy as he passed by. “They said to Him, ‘Lord, that our eyes may be opened.’ So Jesus had compassion and touched their eyes. And immediately their eyes received sight, and they followed Him.” How encouraging this is, on so many levels! They not only received physical sight, but they also received another kind of healing, since they immediately followed Him. When we ask God our Father for eyes to see our shortcomings, He can perform this miracle, too!

Dressing Room Calisthenics Is Your Friend

Standing and turning slowly around a few times to see how it looks in the dressing room is no way to decide what to buy. You’ll wear that outfit in a much more complicated reality, so why not put it to a rigorous test before bringing it home?

So, don’t just stand there—unless you want to be deceived by that overly-complimentary dressing room mirror. Mimic all the things that you would practically be doing while wearing that outfit before you decide it’s a keeper. What about when you go to work or to church, and are sitting down and standing up so often? (How’s that skirt length cooperating now?)

And then there’s getting in and out of the car, lunging to grab the toddler before he helps himself to the snack table, lifting your arms up to fix your windblown hair or hug a tall friend, or bending over to pick up the contents of your spilled purse. How would a sudden gust of wind affect your dignity in this outfit? Or if you plan to wear it to a dance, by all means vigorously dance the chorus to “YMCA” and twirl around a couple of times to see what happens. Whether or not you sing aloud while doing so is completely your call.

Be Observant!

One way to find out if your mode of dress is potentially offensive is to become well-read in the body language of others. See how different people react when you wear certain things. If you are getting a lot of eyes lingering anywhere but your face when you encounter people at work, at the grocery store, or at church, be conscious of what that might mean to them, but also be aware of how that attention makes you feel. Do you feel pleased? Do you feel happier or more confident than you felt about yourself before?

Afterward, during your quiet time with God the Father, make it a point to talk to Him specifically about what you’ve observed in others and how you understand it. Tell Him openly what your feelings were, and ask Him to help you to have the courageto understand what He would prefer you to do, even if it’s not the answer you want to hear! Ask Him specifically to give you the courage to either creatively modify or let go of any items that are inappropriate.

A word to the wise: If you get to the point of letting go, a very honest closet purge is quite liberating! Maybe it’s not for everyone, but you may find that vocalizing through these purges may help you to stay strong. “Get thee behind me, temptingly cute blouse! Away with you, beautiful but inappropriate skirt!” And into the bag it goes—to someone who could possibly wear it without looking inappropriate, or to a thrift store. Or even into the trash! Do as your conscience allows.

Perhaps most importantly, when you talk with God, tell Him openly and honestly of the temptation to wear things that result in unhealthy attention. Ask Him to help you get to the root of that temptation and to help you conquer it! Ask Him to help you replace any shallow desires with the gift of seeing your worth and potential as He sees it. Ask Him to help you to discover fulfillment and pleasure in the beauty of His attention rather than in a temporary and unfulfilling flattery.

As someone who has come a distance in this area (and no doubt still has miles to go), I confess it was a long time before the key point to me wasn’t about not embarrassing myself or my family and friends in public or trying not to offend my brethren. Eventually, I also wanted to dress in a way that was lovely and pleasing to my Father.

And Before You Condemn Another...

At the start, I acknowledged that this is an issue that I’ve struggled with at every stage of my life. What I didn’t mention was that after repenting of several levels of immodesty and doing the closet purges, the sin of self-righteousness was hard on those 3-inch heels. My attitude became very negative at seeing the provocative dress of others around me.

I remember feeling so annoyed by the immodesty of a female acquaintance and, probably more maddening to me at the time, a need to be adored by men. My reaction was to avoid contact whenever possible. I was not only irritated but began to despise her for doing something of which I have also been guilty!

After a time, God mercifully showed me that my attitude was wrong. But since I still found it difficult to be in her company, it was evidently going to take more than just realizing I was wrong. It actually took a miracle.

In the same vein as “I believe! Please help my unbelief!” there is a point at which we need God to help us make a leap which we cannot make on our own. So ensued a very earnest prayer asking my Father, who somehow loves me despite my many annoying traits and hurtful actions, to please open my heart to love her.

And so He did. The change was almost immediate. We certainly can’t limit God to showy miracles. He can also quietly unlock a heart that seems to be an impenetrable fortress.

So before you condemn one of our brethren for immodesty, please consider not only the outward symptom that is immodesty, but also the underlying causes. In 1 John 3:16, we read that if someone “sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?” The context is a physical one, but should it not also apply to intangible needs?

Perhaps if we keep ourselves from reacting with a dismissive or condemning attitude, we might discover ways to help fill an emotional need that is fueling this outward behavior. Not that we can be the only solution or “fix” someone, but we might find constructive ways to give positive attention and friendship. And if our opinion is asked directly, of course we should be open and honest, but also gentle.

The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 is a good reminder for us to have “compassion on [our] fellow servants” just as God has had pity on us. Consider how merciful our Father has been in our own struggles to overcome our human nature. Remember the patience that He has shown through our many stages of development, and the incredible joy that comes in finally having the heart to do His will.

For me it took a long time to get to that point, and once there it became apparent that having a heart to obey God was really another starting point. It seems there are enough gray areas and weightier matters to keep us all very busy for our entire lives.

How Far Is Too Far?

The question posed in the title of this article is actually not a very good one. It may seem perfectly helpful at first glance, but when you stop to consider the matter deeply, this is not really the attitude we should have about any challenge we face as Christians. Instead of trying to find out how much we can possibly do without crossing over into sin, a better attitude would lead us to continually search for ways we can better please God and serve His people (1 John 3:18-23). Going above and beyond the baseline of the law means not only loving our fellow brethren, but also being conscious of how we present this temple for the Holy Spirit of the Living God!

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Comments

  • Enoabasi

    GOD bless bless yoy

  • GodsBarbie

    YOMI i love how you stand for truth an your faith in God i can see He is valued by u,yet all things given in love is what Jesus shows us.An in time its His love that brings a hunger for pleaseing Him.There are many seasons in one life an groth in Christ.For we are refined threw his sprit an a willing heart.Think abought verces read in a bible sudy an how each person takes it different an see that God coplete a action in time,he never says beat someone with your veiw but be care, not to offen our brother or sister an cause them to fall.An realy like its well know men in Jesus time wore dresses an were told to grid there loans cus im sure a great wind would show a part that had better be covered.An i remeber reading to not adorn ones self to a point of being seen as for hire because prostitues wore bright make up an much adorment an even certain colors that set them aside while others couldent even show there face or let there hair down but in private with there husbands an that was mans condition placed on women making it a very dark age on women an showing how the devil takes the truth to deseave an take Gods love an make it seem out of balance. can i inprove, can u ,so let them to

  • Godanointed

    A very timely article that invoked some relevant and personal thoughts and opinions.

    If we follow the scriptures, even if we consider various cultures, the Holy Spirit who will 'lead us to all truth',always tells us [if 'something' telling you - eg. it's ok to go to church with your cleavage expsed - that ain't the Holy Spirit] how far with fashion we could follow and maintain modesty.

  • paigelloyd

    Thank you for this insightful article. I love how the author did not just focus on "wear this, don't wear that" - but instead offered up a key part of the problem, which is an immodesty of the heart that is expressed as an immodesty of dress. In addition, what I found particularly helpful was the author's perspective as someone who has struggled in this particular area before, but yet finds it difficult to show mercy and patience to others who currently struggle with it! Oh my, have I been there! As Katherine noted above, we are all converted and convicted about different things at different times and in different ways. I'm sure there are things I am currently needing to change in my life, but a soft and gentle treatment by others would be much appreciated as opposed to a judgmental and self-righteous attitude by others. May God help me to always remember that I have a glaring plank in my own eye, before I allow myself to think I am better than someone else because I don't currently struggle with their particular issue.

  • Katherine Rowland

    I really appreciate that this article brings out that this--as every other area of Christian life--is a growth process. As we undergo the process of conversion, we all come to realize that there are ways we can improve; that there are things we might have done in ignorance that we come to understand we should stop doing, or areas in which we should be more vigilant. Yes, we should model good standards, but we must also be aware that people grow at different rates. Our focus has to be on helping one another grow, rather than condemning each other.

  • Sherrie_Giddens

    Thank you for such a reasonable look at modesty. I find modesty and the way we dress to be a very interesting topic. Culture has so much to do with what we see as modest and appropriate. At times we have been told that sandals or foot thongs are not appropriate for church. However, there was a time when men and women wore sandals to church and every other occasion. Men wore robes which resembled what we might call a dress today. In Scotland men wear kilts to show respect for a special occasion, looking back into their history where kilts were common.

    People dress in a way that represents the cultural norms. Masculine and feminine clothing change with the times. There was a time in the early 1800's when women wore blue and men wore pink.

    I have always found the subject of dress to be an interesting one. Modesty is an element of great importance. I think your article hit the nail on the head about prayer. Without prayer and talking to God about the subject it can be more difficult to make the right decisions. Bringing God into the decision making process will make it easier.

    For me, it has become a habit to ask myself a couple of questions before leaving the house. If I were to meet Christ while I was out, would he chastise me for what I am wearing? If He were to suddenly show up at church, could I honestly tell Him that I had dressed for Him? When we knowingly put ourselves in front of Christ, it can offer a whole new perspective on what we are wearing.

    Thank you for taking the time to write this article.

  • Lena VanAusdle

    Rayski, if y read my post, never did I say that we weren't supposed to dress modestly, we should, but to say the bible says to wear ankle length skirts and turtle necks is not accurate. We should be modest, and I believe tht means being reasonably covered. My post was mostly directed toward the idea of "sloppiness" and understanding the culture you are in, as well as being willing to walk in someone else shoes before judging them.

  • rayski

    LenaVanAusdle,a real born again christian woman does not show her body to the world,and she wears very descent clothig like long 0skirts,dreeses and her chest covered always,(DEUT 22:5)(1TMOTHY 2:9)(1 PETER 3:3-4)(1 CORINTHIANS 6:19-20)and finally!(proverbs 31:3).

  • rayski

    dustiam,read deuteronomy 22:5 , 1 timothy 2:9 , 1 peter 3:3.

  • rayski

    kars,it's not my opinion it's God opinion,being born again is when a person repend from his or her sins,asking jesus christ to come into your life and change you asking god to write your name in the book of life,remmebered,because of adam & eve disobedience to God in the garden of eden,we all fell short of the glory of GOD (romans 3:23).sin came to us all by one man adam (romans 5:19).jesus spoke to teacher who was a jew about being born again,READ THIS CHAPTER-(JOHN 3:1-18),TAKE MY ADVISE!.

  • Lena VanAusdle

    great article, I love the last paragraph, where she states, we shouldn't be looking at "how far can I go," but rather, what is most pleasing to God.

    When we present ourselves to the world we should always present our "best" self, but one person's "best" might not be what you consider best. I try to dress well and respectfully when I attend church (especially), but some people are more prone to looking sloppy than others. Personally I love my three or four inch heels, but there are plenty of people who have foot, ankle, leg or back problems, and the best thing for them to wear is tennis shoes. My husband and I drive 40 minutes to an hour (or so) for services each week, when I arrive in the summer, I'm usually, hot and more than a little rumpled. I also have a condition that causes me to be unsteady on my feet, this means that things in my hands often end up on my shirt, skirt, or trousers. You would probably think that I look sloppy, but when I picked my outfit, I picked it trying to show my best for God. Let's be loving towards others until we've walked a mile in their shoes. If you did, you might look a little more "sloppy" than you would like.

    And finally, what is considered appropriate clothing depends entirely on your culture. What we wear in the United States is not necessarily what one might wear in Africa, Asia, South America, etc. We must always be careful about being quick to judge.

  • KARS

    rayski in your opinion; What is a born again christian?

  • rayski

    dziwczyna,no one can't change god decisions,because god always right and he knows what is right for you and what is respectable for you to wear,if you do not have you body covered you are not a descent woman period!and you are not a christian,born again christian.READ THE BIBLE-(1 TIMOTHY 2:9)(1 PETER 3:3)(1 COR 6:15-20).

  • dziwczyna

    I don't think either are respectable ways to dress.

  • KARS

    Now, Now, let us all keep in mind, that God our Father is calling the poor of the world. Both spiritual and physcially. Some will be coming out of the darkness of the pit of despair and will come to the LORD with the best they have. So don't be a Sneech about it! Just because you have a "star upon thar" doesn't mean God our Father doesn't love them too. We who have gone on before them have come out of our own personel darkness of experiences and woes. It's up to us to except them with open arms of mercy, compaasion and chirstian love. Are we not to be like Christ and service them and help them along to recovery? Going through our closets and drawers of abundance to give them something better to wear? Come on guys lighten up.

  • dust_i_am

    Rayski, have you not read I Samuel 16:7? Or the first part of James 2?

  • rayski

    Hi, dziwczyna think about it, who you think god will admired or like the most a woman that dresses like a street woman,tight skirt and tight blouse showing her chest not sloppily or a woman dressing modestly and sloppy and not showing her nakeness.

  • dziwczyna

    How about those who dress modestly, but sloppily--running shoes to church, consistently wrinkled clothes, hair uncombed.

  • KARS

    Hi Dusty!

    In the Mexican-American community it's called the look of Canticflas. The comedian whose pants were always falling. He later starred in a movie called "Around the World in 80 Days" as a butler. Really gentlemen I don't need to see your underwear.

  • Yomi

    How had Biblical thought applied to laddies with long hair and laddies that wear trousers according to Deut 22:5

    ¶ (A woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment; for whosoever doeth these things is an abomination unto Jehovah thy God.)

    and

    1Ti 2:9 ¶ In like manner, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefastness and sobriety; not with braided hair, and gold or pearls or costly raiment;
    1Pe 3:3 Whose [adorning] let it not be the outward adorning of braiding the hair, and of wearing jewels of gold, or of putting on apparel;

    and also read 1Corintians 11:1-20

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