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For Believers: Reconcile or Remain Unmarried. Why?

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Reconcile or Remain Unmarried. Why?

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The apostle Paul recognized and repeated God's command for married couples who had God's Spirit but were separated because they just could not reconcile. He wrote that they must remain unmarried (1 Corinthians 7:10-11), unless porneia was evident (Matthew 5:32; 19:9).

Irreconcilable Differences?

In today's world, where we read of upwards of 50 percent divorce rates, such a command seems old-fashioned and outdated. Many divorces are granted based on couples having irreconcilable differences. In other words, those couples cannot live in peace because of their different approaches to life.

The reasons for those differences may be many. Since we are all products of our environment and background, our views on issues may differ greatly. For example, growing up in fear of an abusive parent evokes a myriad of emotional characteristics.

When two converted people marry, they have high hopes their marriage will be eternally happy and tremendously successful. Often, despite major problems in the background of one or both, the marriage is a happy one (and both would admit it takes work). Once in a while, the two just cannot get along and have to separate. Reasons may be many.

"This marriage should never have been in the first place" is a common expression used, after the fact. Or "the marriage was broken when she/he could not live up to the standards God requires in a marriage." Or, "his/her past was so bad, he/she could never be a good husband/wife."

And yet we don't hear such expressions coming from God's Word. Why doesn't Paul state, "the members must reconcile or remain unmarried unless the problems were caused by . . . [you fill in the reason]"? No doubt in Paul's age some of the same problems and abusive backgrounds existed. After all, he called it "this present evil age" (Galatians 1:4).

But still the bottom line when two members could not get along was—if they cannot reconcile, they must remain unmarried.

Why?

On the surface this seems like a cruel judgment. God doesn't even give hope for the party that might be trying the hardest. If just one member is trying and the other member refuses to reconcile, the judgment remains the same-both must remain unmarried. Does God want two people to live alone for the rest of their lives without hope of remarrying someone else? Is this judgment a fair one from our merciful Father?

What if one member has had a terribly abusive past? The reality of scars from the past can affect a marriage deeply. The challenges that can face married couples can be discouraging and at times almost overwhelming. It can seem like giving up and having a fresh start would be easier and more likely to succeed.

But God does not want us to give up. He doesn't give up on us in our struggle to overcome our past in our baptismal covenant. And He doesn't want us to give up on each other in our marital covenant.

In order to understand God's judgment, it's important to comprehend that reconciling a marriage between two believers who have God's Spirit is not impossible! God nowhere uses the term "irreconcilable marriage" when speaking of "believers." If a marriage were truly not reconcilable and God's judgment stood, we might question His wisdom and mercy. However, God gives believers a tremendous advantage over nonbelievers.

At the heart of God's judgment is the fact of a transformation experienced by all believers. It's called conversion.

Before considering this transformation, let's read how God considers all of us just before our conversion. It's necessary to consider this factor because some feel one's background, especially an abusive one, is justification for invalidating a marriage if one or both members fail in a marriage.

Consider Our Covenant With God

In considering whether an abusive past negates a marriage covenant, why not start by considering whether an abusive past negates our baptismal covenant with God? Will Christ refuse to marry any Christian at the resurrection because we have not overcome all our problems?

Or does He put us away because we haven't overcome the reactions stemming from our abusive past completely?

Thankfully He does not. In His love and mercy He gives us the chance to reconcile with Him. We are grateful that God gives us every chance to keep our covenant with Him—all the way to death. We know our past. We want time to overcome it.

While our individual pasts may seem harder or easier to us, God sees things differently. In Ephesians 2:1-6, God describes our past. He says every single one of us has been dead in our sins, living in lust according to Satan's way. He says we were by nature children of wrath.

None of us are exceptions.

Let's make God's description very clear. Every man and woman entering into a marriage covenant came out of a background that caused him or her to have a wrathful nature. It's interesting that the Greek for "wrath" is orge and is also defined as "anger, indignation, vengeance, wrath."

Paul makes it evident in Romans 3:9-19, that both Israelites and gentiles are wicked before God. Truly, all of us have come from a background causing us to have a heart that "is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9).

In order to have a happy, successful marriage, we need a new foundation, a new background. Otherwise the problems generated from our past will cause irreconcilable marriage impasses. All believers have equal pasts to God. None come to the baptismal waters with a greater chance of displaying the fruits of God's Spirit than anyone else. We are all worthy of death. None are good.

Upon repentance, baptism and receiving God's Holy Spirit, every believer has been transformed. No exceptions! Former sexual offenders, alcoholics, recipients of abuse, haters of God, antagonists—all are transformed (converted) in the process of time with God's Spirit.

Note through the following scriptures what happens to the believer:

We are delivered from the power of darkness and translated into the Kingdom of the Son of His love (Colossians 1:13).

We are a new creation in Christ. Old things have passed away, all things have become new (2 Corinthians 5:17). "New" is not a "repairing of damages," but rather a "new existence."

We have died with Christ, but now Christ lives in us and we live by faith in the Son of God (Galatians 2:20). The mystery of the ages is revealed in our life—Christ in us, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:26-27).

Christ is magnified in believers (Philippians 1:20). The life of Christ is to be seen in us (2 Corinthians 4:11). Christ is being formed in us (Galatians 4:19).

Newness of Life

Do we grasp the great meaning and hope that these scriptures hold? In reality, believers have a new start. Our former background of deceit, wrath, etc., has been buried. We walk in newness of life (Romans 6:4). All this because we have been given by God, not a spirit of fear or any other dysfunctional emotion, but the Spirit of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Stirring up the Spirit of love through prayer, Bible study, fasting and meditation yields the fruits of love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

God provides the way and means for us to reconcile the problems in marriage. We are admonished to "put off the old man" and "put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him" (Colossians 3:9-10).

If we are raised with Christ (in baptism, Romans 6:4) we are to seek those things that are above (Colossians 3:1). That which is from above solves all marriage problems between believers: pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy (James 3:17).

The fruit of righteousness between believers in their marriages is sown in peace by those who make peace (verse 18). It is the responsibility of believers to let Christ's mind of humility be in them (Philippians 2:5). Because we are newborn babes, we lay aside malice, guile, hypocrisy, envy and all evil speaking (1 Peter 2:1-2).

For believers who are having problems in marriage, there are only two options. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).

For Paul to make any exception for believers other than that prescribed by Christ (porneia), would be to deny the very Spirit of God. Paul understood that one's prebaptismal past must not influence judgments of binding and loosing believers' marriages.

Believers are new creations in Christ. They have been enlightened, have tasted the heavenly gift, have become partakers of the Holy Spirit and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come (Hebrews 6:4-6). It is vitally important that we not willfully deny that power working in our life, making the blood of the covenant something common and insulting the Spirit of grace (Hebrews 10:29).

There will always be difficulties in marriage. Many may be very severe and demand our all in coping! And to this world many would seem like more than reason enough to give up. There can always be reasons believers use to justify why they cannot get along and choose to separate. Yet there has never been a marriage broken by the actions of love, joy, peace—the mind of Christ in us. Conflict arises when we fail to put off and lay aside wicked ways and dysfunctional reactions from our past and put on and seek the righteous clothing of the Bride of Christ.

Allowing exceptions by judging what happened before conversion would open Pandora's box. There would never be a time when marriages would ever be binding.

When the Church makes judgments concerning believers who have separated or divorced and desire a judgment as to whether their marriage is bound or not, the Church must base its determination on Scripture only. The following questions are asked:

  • Was porneia involved—sexual misconduct (Matthew 5 and 19)?
  • Was there fraud? (Fraud is always intentional.)
  • Are both parties really believers?

Do you and your mate have God's Spirit? Then, "endeavor to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." God is fair and justified in His judgment. Marriage is holy, the very reflection of Christ's marriage to the Church (Ephesians 5:32). Just as the marriage between Christ and His Bride will never be broken, neither will the marriage between two believers who endure to the end.

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Comments

  • skylerd

    I've done a LOT of major studies on divorce and read many publications.. "Not bound" does in fact mean "not bound" by the marriage, and if you are not bound, then you are free to remarry. Paul was speaking to new converts who many had the problem of converting while their spouse was not. Jesus in Matt was speaking to "good jews" who had an understanding of Judaic law. A spouse who leaves you is not behaving as a believer. A spouse who batters you or does drugs is not behaving as a believer. Jesus said not everyone who calls Him Lord is a believer.. If an unbelieving spouse departs, the believer is "not bound" - You will hear many people debate the meaning, and you will find some pastors who agree with me, and some pastors who don't. So it's up to you to take the matter to God in prayer. if you have the Holy Spirit + Spirit of Christ you should be able to talk to God.. I was trapped living with a batterer, who was on drugs + I believe would have killed me. I was under "bondage" of the premise that no he was not a believer.. but he was never going to "leave" and stop beating me.. Finally I had to realize he left the marriage spiritually, emotionally, just not physically.. NOT BOUND

  • chie

    Me and my husband both committed acts of fornication and adultery, we have been separated for years and i have a relationship with a man and had a child with him and my husband is also in a live in relationship. Now that I read many articles about divorce and adultery, I know i have sinned so much. My present relationship and I are not married we only live in the same house. My questions is should I go separate ways with my present relationship and go back to my first husband or should i choose to remain single and vow celibacy?

  • Lena VanAusdle

    As Skip said below, it's complicated situation to be in. There are many questions you need to ask yourself. Were you baptized before you committed adultery and divorced your husband? Are you both believers? I recommend seeking out a minister in your area who can discuss these things with you.

  • chie

    Before I committed adultery I was baptized in A Catholic Church. And I thought I can have a new relationship if my husband already committed adultery. Our country doesnt have divorce yet and We are not annuled. I am now a believer but I dont know about him for I hear he still changes partners aside from the one he is living with. This problem is haunting me for weeks now and I cant even get a staright sleep without waking up. Should I go to a priest for I am Catholic or a Pastor? Pls help.

  • Lena VanAusdle

    Hi again,
    I can't speak to what advice you would receive going to a Catholic priest, I am not Catholic, nor have I ever been.

    It seems the question you have is: now what? You can't change the past, but you can change your life moving forward. If you spouse isn't interested in reconciling there isn't much you can do about that (1 Corinthians 7:13-15). But you can make different choices going forward. I can't speak to your exact circumstance, because I don't know it fully, but in generally terms if a believer has a spouse that divorces them, and does not wish to be married, the believer is free to marry, but only another believer. United Church of God has pastors all over the world that would be happy to speak with you. You can find one closest to you by visiting our congregation page.

  • Skip Miller

    Hello again cris,
    I was baptized into the Catholic religion when I was just a week or two old. What did I know about Baptism? Nothing. When I was 28 I BEGAN to read the Bible and learned that a person should understand what Baptism means before taking that important step. Again, I highly recommend having someone you can talk to about Baptism and marriage. I am not trying to avoid giving you advice and if you wish to do it in the way we are now communicating, I will continue. You have a child. That responsibility you should take very seriously. What has been done in the past is hard (sometimes impossible) to correct. God can forgive but you must live with consequences. You stated that your present partner will live with you without sex. Perhaps that can work. If you are a "practicing" Catholic then you can go to a priest (if you know one well.) If you are a Catholic in name only, then I recommend that you read more of UCG literature and ask God to help you understand what God wants you to do.
    I will try to help you. Others (like Lena) will help you too.

  • Skip Miller

    Hello cris d. espina,
    We all wish that we could just be told a simple answer. But some situations are not simple!
    You are going to need an advisor that can sit down with you and listen to your story. Then you will have to think seriously about what you are prepared to do, considering that your actions may affect several other people. And then you will need to ask, "What does God want?"

  • chie

    Hi Skip. I already ask a spiritual advisor and he was also reluctant to answer. He said about the timing when the sin was made was important. I personally think I cant go back with my husband because of the situation he is in and my present relationship said he will abstain from sex if that what makes me at peace. I dont know what to do, guilt and depression is very overwhelming. I prayed for an answer everytime I have a chance to pray.

  • Laura22

    What if one had married for all the wrong reasons and now it's lifelong consequences. No peace, no joy, no anything.

  • Lena VanAusdle

    Laura22,
    That would be a terrible situation to be in; but even if you married for the wrong reason, it doesn't mean that you are destined to have a marriage without peace or joy; you can still cultivate those things in a marriage. There have been many arranged marriages that have turned into great love stories. The key is to committing to making your marriage a happy one. How? By choosing to love your spouse every day, even when they are not lovable. By choosing to respect your spouse, even when they aren't being respectable. There are obviously things that would negate this (abuse particularly), but marriages with even the rockiest of starts can become something beautiful.

  • Lena VanAusdle

    Laura22,
    That would be a terrible situation to be in; but even if you married for the wrong reason, it doesn't mean that you are destined to have a marriage without peace or joy; you can still cultivate those things in a marriage. There have been many arranged marriages that have turned into great love stories. The key is to committing to making your marriage a happy one. How? By choosing to love your spouse every day, even when they are not lovable. By choosing to respect your spouse, even when they aren't being respectable. There are obviously things that would negate this (abuse particularly), but marriages with even the rockiest of starts can become something beautiful.

  • Ashreah151

    So in the verse of reconciliation with your husband or remain unmarried could this reconciliation mean that even after divorce you try to make things work with your husband?

  • Skip Miller

    Hello Ashley,
    Let's think about this. You have irreconcilable differences with your mate so you divorce.
    However you live in the same world as your mate, maybe even in the same town. God wants us to get along with everyone (if possible) even with our enemies so, as much as lies within us, we should try to get along with (if we happen to encounter) that mate that we divorced.
    If things can be worked out (counseling is HIGHLY recommended) then things are NOT irreconcilable. But sometimes it is better to Not be together. Get counseling.

  • anthony barbary
    Aside from fornication (Geneva, King James, and The Greek) Differs from the NIV version. Jesus NEVER said anything about remarriage in the bible at all and in Matthews he was referring to the Jews who married a woman who had sex before marriage. The tradition was she had to be pure before marriage. Under these conditions, he could divorce her BUT if you go into Luke, Mark, Romans and 1 Cor it only talks about staying married until death. Only remarry after your spouse has past away. Many misinterpret 1 Cor 7:15 as an out to remarry. It is meant to get out of the bondage of a marriage with an unbeliever but it NEVER say's you can remarry, hence 1 COR 7:39-40 SHE IS FREE TO MARRY IF HER HUSBAND IS DECEASED AND HE IS IN THE LORD OR SHE WOULD BE HAPPIER IF SHE SO ABIDE. Selfishness has taken front seat in marriages regardless of hurting the other spouse,the children and God knows this. Our society has taking marriage like it's a casual relationship not "What God has put together,let NO MAN put asunder" Mark 10:9.Jesus also Corrected the wrong understanding with Moses about divorce simply saying "it was not so".We can be happy being married to God or reconcile with our spouse.
  • Ivan Veller
    @StandingFirm Re: "there is no 'fornication-clause'." "'[W]hoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful'" (Matthew 19:9a, NLT 2010). "'[I]t was because unfaithful Israel had committed adultery that I had sent her away and had given her a certificate of divorce'" (Jeremiah 3:8, HCSB 2009). Remarriage: "the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready" (Revelation 19:7b, ESV 2011). Here is our study paper on Divorce and Remarriage: http://members.ucg.org/papers/divrem_belief.pdf
  • StandingFirm
    ...so how then could reconciliation happen after a divorce and remarriage? Well since reconciliation is defined as "the act of restoring relations with"...then it would be impossible, as other would be remarried and would have "given up" on their spouse and one-flesh covenant mate. Sure..it could take YEARS! It IS, in fact, very clear that God does intend for marriage to be a commitment that is never broken, just as the author of this article stated, since God will NEVER break his covenant to us or with the church. Our marriage is an example of this and so we too must never break our covenant under any circumstances. One-flesh means just that. And there is no "fornication-clause". Marriage is the shaping of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love. Because love forbears (patient endurance) all, doesn't it? ALL! God can restore even the most dead of marriages...and it is His heart to do so. My point: remarriage can never be an option for the believer and believing spouse. It's one flesh till death.
  • StandingFirm
    I totally agree with you, Sabrina! That is just what i was thinking while reading this article I do not think neither Jesus nor Paul would allow remarriage except only in the case of the death of a spouse. Jesus mentions divorce being allow in the case of porneia (which, by the way, I am glad you used that word instead of mixing it up with adultery...which it is not). But although I think when Jesus refers to divorcing because of porneia he is referring to divorce during an engagement period. Porniea as definied in the Hebrew meant the act of two UNMARRIED (to anyone) persons having sex. The act of adultery would be a married person having sex with someone who is not their husband. Think of Jesus' own mother... Joseph had in mind to divorce her quietly when he thought she had been engaged in porneia while they were still engaged...but it said he wanted to DIVORCE her... I do not think neither Paul nor Jesus would allow for remarraige after a divorce under ANY circumstances. I agree with the poster above in that i see is that most people see the reason for divorce is to remarry. Remarriage DOES take away the possibility for repentance and restoration.
  • Sabrina Peabody

    This is a fabulous article! I have heard many people go back and forth throughout the years trying to justify various reasons for divorce. The Bible is very clear about the reasons which were nicely summed up here at the end of the article.

    The problem I see with divorce, which then can lead to remarrying, is it takes away the possibility for repentance. If one partner had wronged the other, it could very well take time for the couple to reconcile, maybe even years! But what if the partner who did the wrong repents? By then, if the other spouse had remarried it quickly gets muddy. It seems clear that God had intended for marriage to be a commitment you never break, until death; and if you are wronged you get to learn mercy, forgiveness and other godly traits.

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