"I feel totally betrayed, and I do not know what to do! At this point I just can't seem to forgive my abuser... there has been no apology and no admission of wrongdoing... All of this is affecting my spiritual life, my ability to take the Passover... I also cannot find any peace, nor am I able to really forgive myself..."

Abuse is an extremely painful reality in our world today. Statistics regarding abuse, as shocking and appalling as they may be, give an incomplete picture. Much abuse is never reported, for a variety of reasons. Meanwhile, the normalizing and even glorifying of violence by the media further exacerbates the problem. Within some families, this growing violence has now resulted in the spawning of multigenerational cycles of abuse.

How can we break the vicious cycle of abuse? The process of healing from abuse involves a number of vital steps, some of which are primarily spiritual. As a result, God's people have the opportunity to access a marvelous additional blessing—experiencing God's divine intervention and healing from abuse.

Begin With Repentance and Forgiveness

"I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish" (Luke 13:3). Jesus taught repentance as an individual responsibility and requirement before God. But how should we respond to abuse when the perpetrator professes to be repentant? Many victims of abuse have wrestled with this enigma.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to break the cycle of abuse and to really progress through the healing process without understanding how repentance and forgiveness interact. Let's be sure we understand that, unmistakably, Jesus Christ teaches us to forgive others. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15).

How should we apply this instruction when abuse has been perpetrated? Notice the common misconception evidenced in the following example. "'He broke my arm, and then I had to get right back into bed with him,' grieved a woman whose faith community had forced her into a premature reconciliation with her husband. Too often Christians demand that others forgive immediately, before it is appropriate or advisable, before there can be adequate contrition, reflection or amelioration" (No Place for Abuse, page 113).

The Bible certainly does instruct us to forgive. However, it does not insist that we return to the abusive circumstances that occasioned the offense in the first place. Forgiveness does not necessarily imply or require reconciliation. Especially in the case of domestic violence, reconciling may throw open the door to continued abuse. This can unwittingly encourage the continuation, the frequency and even the severity of the abuse.

"In the healing process, we need to be clear-sighted enough to understand the responsibility of the person who wronged us. If we are partially at fault, that must be acknowledged; but ultimately we must also understand what is not our fault and not our responsibility. If we are confused about responsibility, we will probably continue to harbor vengeful feelings" (No Place for Abuse, page 114).

What Forgiveness Is Not

• Forgiveness is not condoning or pardoning harmful behavior, which is sin.
• Forgiveness is not healing the wound lightly, saying "peace, peace" when there is no peace.
• Forgiveness is not an expectation of any degree of future relationship with the person who has perpetrated the abuse.

What Forgiveness Is

Aphiemi, the main New Testament Greek word translated "forgive," means to put something away, set it free, as well as to put one thing aside in order to move on to something else. Forgiveness involves the putting away of anger toward another, putting it aside so that it no longer controls our lives.

Our part in forgiving certainly includes being willing to put the matter in God's hands and to pray for His will to be done. As Paul wrote, "Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:5). The mind of Christ in us has the awesome power to grant us true peace of mind. We are assured that "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7).

The Path to Healing

"The healing path is not a jaunt in the park. It is a life-rattling, heart-revealing journey that takes us through danger, harm, heartache—and ultimately to new trust, profound hope, and a love that can't be scorched by assault or destroyed by loss. The healing path is glorious, but the only way we will stay on course and resist the temptation to flee to safer ground is by comprehending more deeply the assaults and losses we will face on our journey. In the desert and valley we will pass through the dangers of betrayal, powerlessness, and ambivalence. These three realities will pull faith, hope, and love right out from under us if we are not ready for them" (The Healing Path, page 23).

The road to recovery from abuse is generally long, difficult and at times treacherous. This path may meander in and out of darkness and light, confusion and clarity, with loss tempered by gain and progress, and residual heartache countered by healing and restoration. Working through the times of grief, anger, rage, sadness, despair and depression is an important part of the process. Don't use the recovery process as an entitlement or excuse for needlessly indulging these negative emotions. Spending years regurgitating these emotions can turn the road to recovery into a never-ending treadmill.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). This familiar Bible verse can strengthen our faith, our hope and our love as we continue to look to God for His healing in our lives. Certainly, we can implore God for His divine healing, requesting anointing and asking God to remove the pain and anger and to give us comfort, understanding and strength through His Spirit.

With this strong spiritual foundation, we can and must move forward. As Paul wrote, "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14).

God expects us to call upon Him for His intervention and deliverance in our lives. Be sure to read the accompanying article on taking action in your life. And remember, God's love is powerful enough to see us through any and all difficulties we face in this life.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:31, 35, 37).

Resources

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D., The Healing Path, Waterbrook Press, 1999.

Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark, No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, InterVarsity Press, 2001. UN