It is said that our childhood experiences shape us into the adults we become.

As adults, we can look back on many factors and events that have had tremendous influences on us. In this article, I will focus on one item that has had a positive impact on my personality and approach to life. As a parent of three myself, I hope this article will prove helpful for other parents who have the incredible challenge of rearing one of God's most precious and wonderful gifts—our children.

It is wonderful yet sobering to bring a child into the world. For parents to give life to a human being that is born in their own image is an amazing blessing. The new mom and dad want only the best for their child. What can we do to help ensure that our children develop into the positive, productive adults that we hope they will become?

Encouragement is one of the greatest things we can give to our children. This is second only to our leading them in the sacred truth of God and demonstrating our sincere love for them. I believe that giving them proper encouragement greatly influences their approach to life and their interaction with others. Encouragement, or lack thereof, impacts their feelings of self-worth more than any other single factor in their lives.

Positive Parents

As I reflect upon my relationship with my father, I vividly remember how he always smiled at me the first time I saw him each day. As the day progressed, and depending on what I was doing, his smile sometimes left and was replaced by a look of indifference or maybe even a frown. As a new day began, however, he always gave me a warm smile that made me feel appreciated.

One summer I remember him introducing me to his coworkers at a company picnic by saying, "I want you to meet my son." Just the way he said it felt so good. In looking back, perhaps without knowing it, my dad gave me the encouragement I needed. Though he is no longer with us, I have nothing but positive feelings about my dad.

My mother always told my two sisters and me that we could accomplish anything that we set our minds to accomplish; that we were just as smart and capable as any of our friends at school, in the neighborhood or at church. All we had to do was apply ourselves and we would succeed. To my parents' credit, I never felt beaten down or discouraged. I always felt that they loved and appreciated me and that they wanted me to be happy and to succeed in life.

The Professionals Say

Professionals in the field of parenting have long understood the need for parents to encourage their child. Notice what they say:

• Christina Raley, editor of Momtomom.com, a positive parenting Web site, says, "Perhaps nothing is more critical to your child's development than developing his or her self-esteem. This is a product of 'unconditional love' and it is accomplished through encouragement, affirmation and appreciation of the unique qualities of your child."
• In his book, Children: The Challenge, Rudolf Dreikurs reminds us that "children need encouragement like a plant needs water."
• The poem "Children Learn What They Live" contains these gems: "If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence" and "If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate."
• Douglas Cowan, Ph.D., in his article, "Classic Parenting: Encouragement, Praise, Acceptance, and Responsibility," wrote, "Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and strengths in order to build his/her self-confidence. It comes from seeing the positive."

As we can see, the professionals emphasize the importance of giving encouragement to our children. Encouragement is a pure form of positive feedback. It is encouraging for children to hear from the individuals they love most, their parents, that they are loved and appreciated. It is encouraging to hear their mom or dad say they are proud of their efforts.

A Pastor's Experience

Unfortunately, many adults did not receive this type of encouragement from their parents when they were children. As a church pastor, I cannot remember how many times I have counseled individuals over the past 32 years who have told me how difficult their childhood was. Their parents never encouraged them; in fact, it seemed their mother or father only talked down to them and said negative or critical things. It seemed they could never please their parents. So many could not remember ever hearing a positive or encouraging word from their parents.

I have counseled so many adults who have told me how their mom or dad had verbally beaten them down. Their parents made them feel worthless and that they could not accomplish anything. They only had their faults pointed out to them. They were never encouraged. Even though many years had passed since their formative childhood, you could still see the hurt and downtrodden look in their eyes.

Parents should not treat their children this way. Take the time to praise them when they do right. Most of us have probably worked for bosses whose only personal communication with us was when we messed up. We only heard the negative. We were never told we were doing a good job.

Individuals who only criticize will typically defend this approach by saying, "Well, if I don't say anything, then that means you are doing OK." This approach really won't cut it, especially when we are rearing children—our most prized possession.

A Sad Story

Several years ago I spoke with a man in his 70s. Through tears he told me he loved his wife and children, but he could never tell them. I had known his family for many years and personally knew that he had not encouraged his children. It "just wasn't in him" to be able to express love or encouragement.

Some of you reading this article may have a similar background where giving encouragement is not in your nature. You never received it from your parents and you can't seem to give it to your children either.

Thankfully we have the Holy Spirit within us that can lead us to change. At our baptism our "old man" was crucified with Christ. We became a new creation. Most of us have made dramatic changes in our lives. We can change in this area too, if we ask God for His help and if we try.

A good friend of mine in the ministry, fellow pastor Vic Kubik, once told me, "When encouragement is given, it should be encouraging to the individual who is receiving the encouragement." Encouragement is for the other person's good.

For some helpful tips on how to give encouragement to your child and some specific positive statements you can use, see the sidebars below.

Scriptures

We know that our Heavenly Father loves us and encourages us. Notice these four scriptures and see how God expresses His love to us through ongoing encouragement:

• Isaiah 41:10: "I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
• Psalm 55:22: "Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you."
• Joshua 1:9: "Do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
• Hebrews 13:5: "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Remember

"Children need encouragement like a plant needs water."

As parents, let's be sure to take advantage of this powerful parenting tool. Together, we should set our hearts on a course of encouraging our most prized possession—our little ones given to us by our Father in heaven. UN