Kids might not have to face job lay-offs, a shrinking checkbook, over-demanding bosses, ailing health or other adult-sized problems, but the negative circumstances they encounter can be just as upsetting to them. Maybe it’s been three days since Buster ran away, and your son’s in tears because no one has responded to any of your “Lost Dog” flyers. Your daughter might be mortified because she forgot her lines during the school play. Perhaps your child got booed during the soccer game, was teased by the school bully, did poorly on a test or suffered a back-stabbing by an up-until-now good friend. As a result, your child comes home from school, sobbing hysterically or sullen and mad. You know you need to say something to try to improve the situation, but what?

If you’re like a lot of parents, the right words don’t always flow naturally. Should you try to lighten things up, or should you help him talk about the ordeal? Should you downplay what happened, or should you try to solve the problem for your child? You might stutter, stick your foot in your mouth or open your mouth to speak and have no words come out.

“Oftentimes parents are uncomfortable addressing and even acknowledging their children’s negative feelings and emotions. They want to protect their children. They don’t want to see them suffer,” observes Karen Krefman, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

According to Krefman, parents will oftentimes rush in and try to minimize the situation their child is facing. They might say, “Now, now, no need to worry.” Or they might avoid talking about the situation altogether and pretend nothing’s wrong. Krefman says neither of these are effective responses. “Your children need to be able to talk about what’s bothering them,” she says. “They need to know you understand what they’re going through.” This helps to give the children the support they need to deal with their problems.

Although hard and fast rules are hard to come by, you can assess the situations your children are facing and respond thoughtfully, sincerely and appropriately. Here are some suggestions for comforting a hurting child.

One mistake is to not allow your child to fully explain what is troubling her. Let your child talk out the problem. This will allow her to begin the healing process.

If you change the subject, make a joke or come up with reasons why the situation isn’t that big of a deal, you send the message you don’t want to hear your child’s problems and it’s not okay to express sadness. Responses such as “It’s nothing to get upset about,” “Look on the bright side,” “It can’t be that bad” and “Don’t worry so much” place a truckload of guilt on the child who is suffering.

“Parents can get so panicky about not knowing what to do or say they unintentionally shut out the suffering child to make themselves feel more comfortable,” says Sandra Burkhardt, Ph.D., ABPP, a child psychologist in Orland Park and psychology professor at Saint Xavier University. “Rather than ‘Don’t cry; it will be okay,’” your child needs to be told, “Go ahead and cry.’”

Calmly accept your child’s situation for what it is and don’t pretend things are better than they are. Responses such as, “I’m sorry to hear the bad news,” “You’ve been through a lot,” and “That sounds like a tough situation” communicate genuine concern and acceptance.

Listen carefully

Listen very attentively to your child—with interest, patience, openness and caring. Avoid any urge to judge, blame, lecture or tell your child what she should have done instead. Your child needs to know you are hearing her concerns and feelings.

Show your child you’re interested in what she’s telling you by maintaining eye contact, nodding occasionally and spurring her on with expressions such as “Uh-huh,” “Tell me more about it,” and “I see.” Don’t try to finish your child’s sentences for him thinking you know what he is going to say, because you may be wrong. Let your child do the talking. You may be surprised to find what is actually troubling him.

Express your understanding

Once your child is finished telling his story, comment briefly on the feelings you heard your child express. For example, you might say something like: “I can understand why you would feel that way,” or “No wonder you felt upset when they wouldn’t let you in the game,” or “That must have felt unfair to you.” Doing this shows you understand what your child felt, why he felt that way and that you care.

Try to see things from your child’s perspective and express that understanding. For example, you might say, “I know you are disappointed because you worked so hard and still did not make the softball team,” or “I know you are sad that your friend is moving so far away.”

“Feeling understood and listened to helps your child feel connected to you, and that is especially important in times of stress,” says Deerfield-based clinical psychologist, Mary Halpin, Ph.D.

In some cases, children feel as if they’re the only ones to have ever had to deal with a situation they’re now facing and no one will understand. Let your child know other people have also had similar problems. You might share an experience of your own similar to what he is going through. If you know of aunts, uncles or grandparents who have been through the same experiences, pass their stories along to him. Just knowing others have been in similar circumstances—and made it through okay—can be very encouraging.

Of course, you may have never experienced a situation similar to what your child is facing, and be at a loss for words. “It’s okay to be silent,” Halpin says. “What’s most important is that you be there for your child. Be honest with her. Tell her you don’t know what to say but you still want to be there. Sometimes the simple presence of a parent is all that is needed to erase feelings of anxiety in children.”

Respect your child’s need for space

Sometimes children don’t feel like talking about what’s bothering them. It’s a good idea to respect this, give your child space and still make it clear you’ll be there when he does feel like opening up. “Children need to be able to decide for themselves when they’re ready to talk,” Krefman says. “Sometimes kids need some time to think things through first.”

Your child may still want you by her side though. “Even when children don’t feel like talking, they usually don’t want their parents to leave them alone,” Burkhardt says. A lot of times you can help your children feel better just by keeping them company and spending time together. You child might want to go on a walk with you, watch a movie, or bake some cookies. “Just being by your child’s side will go a long way in helping her get through her difficult situation,” Burkhardt says.

Establish physical contact

There may be nothing more comforting to a hurting child than the warmth of her parent’s embrace. Don’t hesitate to put your arms around her shoulders, give a hug or hold your child on your lap. Go ahead and cradle your child in your arms just as you did when she was an infant.

“Considering our culture’s emphasis on independence and self-reliance, we need to reassure our children that they shouldn’t feel guilty when they need to be babied for a bit,” Burkhardt says. Allow your child to be emotionally dependent on you for as long as it takes her to regain composure and strength.

Offer advice when your child is ready for it

For the most part, a tearful child does not want to hear a dozen solutions to his problem. Halpin says giving unsolicited advice is another way we cut off communication: “You tell yourself, ‘If I can distract my child by thinking of some brilliant advice, she’ll stop crying.’”

However, once your child knows you accept how she feels and she’s done shedding tears, she may then be ready to talk about solutions to her predicament. Be careful though, to not “take over” the solutions stage, Krefman advises. She suggests you start by asking your child something like “Did you do anything to try to make things better?” “Is there something else you’d want to do about that?” or “How do you think you might want to handle the situation?”

If you think your child handled the situation in a constructive way, Krefman says you should positively reinforce the efforts she made. You might say, “I think that was a good idea. That makes a lot of sense.”

If your child didn’t handle the situation very well or doesn’t know what to do next, it’s okay to offer advice, but don’t force your ideas on your child. You could say, “I’ve got a suggestion. Are you open to that?” or “This is what I’m thinking. Tell me if you think this will work.” In effect, you are asking your child’s permission to move forward with your advice.

“You want to support your child’s good ideas and then add to them as needed,” Krefman says. “It’s best if you can brainstorm ideas together. Don’t do all the work yourself. You want your child to be actively involved in the solution stage. This will help your child develop problem-solving skills, and build confidence.”

Give your child time

If several days go by and your child is still feeling down, this isn’t necessarily reason to worry. Depending on the severity of the problem, it might take weeks or even months for your child to fully get over it.

“It takes time to work through the grief process,” says Krefman. “Try to understand what your child is going through. You may wish she was her usual, cheerful self, but you shouldn’t expect her to cover up her sadness just so you can feel more comfortable. Give your child all the time she needs.”

Of course, limits are understandable and necessary. If your child’s troubles are getting worse, are starting to affect his performance at school, or if he’s no longer comforted by your listening to him or you are starting to see changes in his behavior, these are signs indicating serious depression or anxiety. That’s when you need to see the help of a child psychologist, school counselor or other professional.

You may make a few mistakes along the way. No one should expect you to know what to say or how to act in every situation. Remind yourself that you’re better off saying something less than ideal to your child than shutting her out because you don’t know what to say. What matters most is your child knows she doesn’t have to face difficult times alone.

Further reading

For more articles about family living, please read our booklet Marriage and Family: The Missing Dimension. And also please request your free subscription to The Good News magazine.