Recent scientific discoveries in brain research, especially concerning emotions, offer valuable information for improving the quality and effectiveness of our communication. We now know that the part of our brain that process emotions is different than the part used for rational thought. This fact alone should revolutionize our approach to communication.

As usual, the Bible is way ahead of the scientific world. The Scriptures differentiate between the mind and “the heart.” Many have missed this all-important distinction, which is the foundation of many practical principles of communication and human relations.

Let’s discover how the mind and the heart identify two distinct “languages”; “head-to-head” and “heart-to-heart.”

Characteristics of head and heart languages

The degree to which we understand the differences between these two languages and apply them to our communication can be a major factor of success or failure in any relationship.

Daniel Goleman states, “Emotional life is a domain that, as surely as math or reading, can be handled with greater or lesser skill, and requires its unique set of competencies. And how adept a person is at those is crucial to understanding why one person thrives in life, while another, of equal intellect, dead ends” (Emotional Intelligence, p. 36). The ability to communicate heart-to-heart is a major part of what the author calls “emotional intelligence.” Unfortunately, schools offer courses in many languages yet neglect to train students in the universal language of the heart.

Head-to-head communication is limited to written and verbal messages. Heart-to-heart communication encompasses a much wider range of nonverbal communication. Touching, smiling, winking, hugging, even silence are all-important forms of meaningful heart-to-heart communication. Job’s friends spent a whole week comforting Job without saying a word (Job 2:11-13)! That has to be some kind of record. Unfortunately, they shifted to a head-to-head language, which was misguided and counterproductive. They engaged in a “fix it” approach, which is another characteristic of head-to-head communication.

One definition of language is “a systematic means of communicating ideas or feelings by the use of conventional signs, sounds, gestures, or marks having understood meanings” (Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 10th Edition). Notice the mention of both ideas and feelings.

Language differences of men and women

Stereotypically, men tend to specialize in head-to-head communication. The emphasis is on information and cognitive content. Logic and factual details are paramount.

Women usually are more adept at heart-to-heart communication. Author Carol Botkin explains, “Although some women manage to become concrete thinkers, …many are more emotional than logical” (What Men Hate About Women by C. S. Neile, p. 27). Our brains are structured differently, which accounts for much of this emotional dissimilarity.

As a rule, women tend to be more emotionally expressive than men are. Our culture has cast men into a tough guy role, suggesting that “real men don’t cry.” Women seem to find it easier to cry or act out their emotions. Dr. Herbert Hoffman, of the psychology department at Queens College in New York, explains, “Men are brought up to repress their emotions, and they are bewildered and feel helpless when confronted by an emotional female” (ibid.). This helpless feeling stems from lack of ability to communicate in the language of feelings. The situation is not unlike someone from the United States trying to talk to someone from another country who doesn’t understand English.

However, lest we overdo the stereotype, let’s remember that all of us (men and women, adults and children) need heart-to-heart communication in certain circumstances in life. Unfortunately, we often receive head-to-head communication instead. For example when a loved one dies, many people tend to feel helpless because there are no words they can say to change the situation. A heart-to-heart communicator will be effective in offering needed comfort.

Communication and leadership

Being bilingual is essential to successful leadership. A leader must understand and be proficient in both head-to-head and heart-to-heart communication. He must know which language is needed in what circumstances and be willing and able to engage in the appropriate form of communication.

Touching, smiling, winking, hugging, even silence are all-important forms of meaningful heart-to-heart communication.

One of the main differences between a leader and a manager can be stated in terms of the two languages. A leader inspires people to follow him; a manager simply carries out and gives orders. Put another way, a leader communicates heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head. A manager often lacks the capacity to reach the heart. The language of the heart is essential to servant leadership.

Let’s consider some specific areas of application. The differences between these two languages are important in many activities of life.

Ministerial and counseling relationships

Ministers are expected to be on the giving end when it comes to people’s needs. There are a lot of hurting people in their congregations who need heart-to-heart communication.

The more that counselors understand and use both head and heart languages, the more effective they will be in counseling; and their efforts will be more appreciated by those they counsel.

We have often been reminded that active listening is sometimes more effective than any advice we might hastily deal out. James 1:19 verifies this principle. Conveying concern by active listening is an important dimension of the language of the heart.

Marriage and family relationships

We have already discussed the predominant male and female language preferences. Many marriage problems and difficulties result from the language barrier presented by lack of ability to understand and converse in the other mate’s language. Men tend to “translate” the very subjective, heart-to-heart language into the objective terms of head-to-head language.

When a woman says, “I wish I were dead!” she is likely to get a lecture from her husband on why she shouldn’t say such things. What she really means is, “I am really discouraged.” The problem is that he hears only the words, because he is thinking head-to-head. He fails to hear the underlying message. What she really needs is his understanding and some reassurance in heart-to-heart language. She needs some time spent in active listening, a hug and words that indicate understanding and concern for her feelings.

Someone should write a dictionary of heart-to-heart terms! Lacking that, women can help their husbands (during more calm times) to understand their terminology. Dr. Hoffman suggests, “A woman should assure her mate that when she cries or lets off steam, he’s not always expected to ‘fix things’” (ibid.).

The more we can learn each other’s language, the better we can understand and help each other through the challenges and problems of life that we face together.

Children also need to be reached heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head. Feeling loved, appreciated and capable is vitally important to the development of their identity and sense of worth.

Work relationships

The most successful companies are those who tend to the emotional needs of their employees. Happy employees work harder for their company than unhappy employees. This means heart-to-heart communication, not just head-to-head. Managers and supervisors are in a position to make a significant difference on the job by seeking to reach the heart of fellow employees.

Let’s remember that all of us need heart-to-heart communication in certain circumstances in life.

Understanding emotions is relatively new to our culture. The fact that so many people use the terms “I think” and “I feel” interchangeably reveals a lack of understanding in the difference between thoughts and feelings. It is no wonder that meaningful heart-to-heart communication is often lacking. So often physical details of performance are emphasized without sufficient concern for matters of the heart.

Our relationship with God

The heartless legalism of the scribes and Pharisees was a performance-based religion. Jesus’ ministry emphasized the needs of the heart (Matthew 23:23; 12:7). God is certainly concerned with our performance and our thoughts, but even more, He is concerned with our heart, because our heart is the source of our commitment and motivation.

We are all familiar with the famous passage, “For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (I Samuel 16:7). The downside of this passage speaks to the predominant failure of humankind to relate to each other heart-to-heart. As we gain more of the mind of Christ, we will seek to improve our heart-to-heart communication in every area of our lives.

Learning to communicate

We all have much to learn in the area of communication. However, we should at least consider a few specific points of practical application that apply to virtually all areas of heart-to-heart communication.

One of the most powerful statements about the responsibility of a minister tells us they are to help promote joy (II Corinthians 1:24). We all know that joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Heart-to-heart communication seeks to share that joy with others.

We all know that joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit.
Let’s think about the language we use with our spouse, with our children, with fellow church members, in Internet chat rooms, in e-mail messages, with employees or employers, and in our prayers. If most of what we say is giving orders, giving instructions and pointing out errors and problems, where is the joy? Instead of limiting communication to factual data, let’s send more messages of love and appreciation. We have so many means of communication at our disposal, the telephone, e-mail, fax machines, greeting cards… and of course direct personal contact which is even better.

The so-called “Golden Rule” suggests that we treat others as we would like to be treated. We all want to feel loved and appreciated. We all want to be happy. If we concentrate on communicating love and appreciation in all our relationships, we can all benefit from the process. Let’s learn more about communicating heart-to-heart and not just head-to-head.