One of the biggest single reasons for relationship problems, researchers have found, is that people don't really listen to each other. We seem by nature to be impatient with one another and with life in general. Listening to and taking on board another's point of view takes time, energy and effort that many are not willing to expend. This is true within the family, at work and even in highly public situations - as is evident in many television and radio talk shows where people express strong opinions on almost every subject under the sun yet rarely appear to be actually listening to anyone else.

Even when people are convinced they are listening to others, often they are not. Many have experienced a situation where in seeking help and solace, they are trying to share a confidence with another person, and yet they sense they do not have the listener's full attention. Frequently unwanted or even unrelated advice will follow, proving the lack of genuine interest. This can result in a build-up of resentment and a reluctance to share further confidences or information. It may even lead to an outburst of anger, or worse. All could have been prevented with just a little more consideration on the part of the listener.

It is easy to see how such a scenario could lead to problems within a marriage, family or at the workplace. Yet having no one to share a problem with can result in feelings of loneliness and frustration, a loss of self-esteem and some forms of depression. We all need to be able to express our feelings at times, but finding a willing ear may be difficult.

Listening is a skill that can be learned, but first we need to realize why we are not listening. People don't listen to each other for many reasons. Often poor listening habits are due to impatience, selfish inattention or a lack of concentration.

However, there are basic techniques that can be used to recognize problems that block listening and to improve listening skills. It is impossible to solve any problem unless it is admitted to and recognized. We probably all need to become more self-aware and take ownership of and responsibility for our actions and reactions. The following solution can be adapted and applied to lots of different areas of human difficulties: trying to control anger, breaking a bad habit, overcoming a persistent problem like lying or exaggerating or, in this case, not listening attentively.

1. Select one of the blocks (or a problem) that you recognize in yourself.

2. Try to think of a time when you have used it recently.

3. Visualize the situation and, if you can, analyze how and why it happened.

4. Try to be aware if you use it over the next few days and weeks. As you become more aware of your listening habits, you will probably find you use that block less.

5. Having dealt with one block, work on another.

Writing down your thoughts and observations can help you to become more aware.

The necessity for empathy

The apostle Paul encourages us to "rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15). Sharing another's feelings is called empathy - not to be confused with sympathy, which is simply feeling pity or sorrow for another.

Empathy includes communicating that you have understood another's point of view. It doesn't necessarily mean you agree with it or condone it. It has been described as "seeing the world through another's eyes, as if it were your own, but without losing the 'as if.'"

Thanks to God's gift of imagination, we can actually put ourselves into another person's position and relate to his or her feelings. Focusing on another's feelings or viewpoint can help clarify problem situations. The starting point must be the other's point of view, even if it needs to be challenged.

Communicating Empathy

To communicate understanding you must put into words what has been said. There are a number of techniques that can be used:

Paraphrasing

Here you put what you have heard into your own words with your understanding of the main point of the problem. Often a paraphrased response will start: "So you're saying that..." "It sounds like you..." "You feel...and it's because..."

Paraphrasing gives an opportunity for clarification if you haven't fully understood. This can happen either because you have missed something, or because the other party hasn't yet revealed all the necessary information. Verbalizing the other's point of view also puts it into your mind, so it becomes part of your understanding even though you may not agree with it.

Paraphrasing can also help the one confiding in you by focussing their attention on the implications of what they are saying--especially if their thinking seems illogical, irrational or unreasonable.

Reflecting

Here you repeat a word back, for example: "I'm so angry that he died." "Angry?" You might also reflect a feeling you are picking up that the person has not expressed. This may take more practice and insight: "You sounded angry when you said that."

Summarizing/clarifying

Similar to paraphrasing, but here you sum up your understanding of the whole problem. "Let me make sure I've understood correctly...." "Do you mean that...?"

Questions

There is a fine line between being interested and intruding. If you feel the need to ask a question, ask yourself why and for whom you are asking. Is it out of genuine concern and the need to clarify some point, or is it out of mere curiosity?

Don't ask questions that can be answered simply "yes" or "no." Ask "open" questions--how, what, why, when: "What are you feeling?", "Why do you think that happened?"

By using these techniques you are actually forced to listen more carefully to what the other person says. You cannot paraphrase, for instance, unless you have been paying attention. Since you have listened and hopefully understood the points correctly, the other person probably will be more inclined to reveal a little more of his or her problem or feelings.

The above techniques can also be used when trying to resolve an argument between two parties, or to establish middle ground before negotiations or discussions. Try to remember you are there to listen, not necessarily to give advice or solve the problem immediately.

Some cautions

The Bible warns against answering a matter before hearing it in full (Proverbs 18:13). We shouldn't jump to conclusions and assume we have all the information. Many people are reluctant to divulge everything at once, which is why truly listening can take time and involve lots of patience. Remember to keep a confidence, no matter how difficult it may be. Repeating it to a third party will only cause trouble (Proverbs 17:9) and inevitably destroys credibility. No one trusts a gossip. In exceptional circumstances it may become necessary to divulge a confidence. "Exceptional circumstances" might include occasions when criminal activity is involved, a child may be in potential peril, or the person confiding in you is in some sort of danger. In such cases the appropriate authorities should be involved, preferably with the other person 's consent.

Be sure to avoid being drawn into another person's anger, especially if there appears to be bitterness towards a third party. If you are being subjected to a tirade of vitriolic abuse (as opposed to strongly worded complaints) about someone else, the wisest course usually is to refuse to listen and withdraw.

Be careful not to judge the third party. Remember that seeing that person through another's eyes is subjective and may be due to a complete misunderstanding. Be objective and don't make the problem worse by taking on someone else's prejudices.

Be wary of giving advice

In general, unless there is an obvious practical solution to a problem or you personally can provide a reliable contact through an agency or other competent professional help, be careful about giving any advice. Of course there may be nothing wrong with saying something along the lines of, "In a similar situation I found something that worked for me," but don't imply that this could be a quick-fix solution to another's problem.

Your solution may have worked perfectly well for you, but assuming someone else's problem exactly mirrors your own and that the person would implement your advice in exactly the same way with the same results, is simplistic thinking. It could even be dangerous. However alike the situations may seem, they can never be identical, and there are too many variables.

It's amazing how often a practical solution will present itself naturally in the course of the conversation, and if it comes from the person seeking help so much the better. We all tend to follow our own advice over someone else's.

Asking questions like "What are you hoping for?" or "What do you want to happen next?" often can focus the other person's mind on possible solutions or courses of action. Even if there is no obvious solution, as in the case of the loss of a loved one, simply being able to express and clarify feelings can open up other avenues of thought. These might lead to acceptance or a resolution in the future. The final goal often is simply peace of mind.

Does God believe in really listening?

God is quite prepared to have someone listen to His side of the story and even reason with Him about a particular course of action. Remember, Abraham was a friend of God and so He decided to share His intentions with him about the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 18:17-33). In effect Abraham was paraphrasing what God had said and, at the same time, tactfully questioning His intentions in a respectful manner. Abraham asked God: "Would You destroy the righteous with the wicked?" (verse 23). Verse 21 shows that God was analyzing the situation, and was therefore prepared to consider Abraham's viewpoint.

Moses used the same basic approach in Exodus 32 after the incident with the golden calf. God considered the points Moses made and changed His mind. God is also prepared to listen to and to challenge humans. He invites sinners to reason with Him (Isaiah 1:18). The word "reason" here means to argue or debate. In the book of Malachi, God many times paraphrases what the Jews were saying, beginning with the words "Yet you say..." (e.g. Malachi 1:2). Here the Jews were given a chance to defend what they had said and if God had misunderstood them, they had an opportunity to explain what they really meant. More likely God's interpretation was correct but by using their own words, God challenged them to focus their minds on the attitudes and intents behind those words. It is quite probable they had not realised the deepest implications of what they were saying.

Christ used similar wording with the Pharisees in Mark 7:11: "But you say...." If that was not what they had said, then here was an opportunity to correct the matter. Again by paraphrasing what they had said, He focused their attention on the true intent behind their words.

Esteeming others

Being prepared to take the time to listen, especially when someone is in distress, comes into the category of esteeming others better than ourselves and loving our neighbor as ourselves (Philippians 2:3; Matthew 22:39). To someone who feels hopeless, lost or bereaved, simply being able to express feelings or concerns to a willing and caring listener can be a great source of comfort.

Listening is a way of showing love to neighbor, of building bridges, perhaps of becoming a peacemaker. It is a skill we all should be developing and using now. The ability to listen will be essential in the future Kingdom of God and is a skill Christians should now be developing.

Barriers to Listening

These are a few of the most common blocks or barriers that prevent us from really listening to others:

Comparing

You hear part of the story and start thinking, for example, "I wouldn't have done it that way" or "I would have...."

Mind reading

You are trying to work out what you think the person is really feeling and thinking instead of listening to what he or she actually is saying.

Judging

Not listening to what the person is saying at all, as you have already decided the person's position. This can also involve judging someone that the person is talking about, without hearing the third party's view.

Rehearsing

You are busy planning your next comment, and are probably waiting for a gap in the conversation to jump in with it.

Filtering

Listening to some things, maybe those that interest you, and not listening to others that don't

Dreaming

Half-listening, but something the person said has triggered a memory of your own, and you are really thinking about that.

Identifying

Referring everything the other person says to an experience of your own.

Advising

Trying to give a solution to the problem after a few sentences. If the person responds "Yes, but...," you probably haven't heard all the information.

Parrying

You disagree so quickly the other person doesn't even feel heard. This can take the form of a put-down. For example, "Oh, I don't let that sort of thing bother me," where the other person's point of view is simply dismissed. People who can't take praise can also use parrying. Responding to an expression of gratitude with, for example, "It was nothing really" implies that the praise or appreciation is of no value to you. It is much better to respond "Thank you" or "You're welcome."

Derailing

Changing the subject, because you're angry, bored, uncomfortable or can't be bothered. You might even turn it into a joke.

Placating

Using words like "absolutely" and "incredible," where you sound pleasant and supportive, but you are not really involved.

In all these instances the listener is not giving the other person the attention and respect he or she deserves, and that the listener would expect him- or herself if the situation were reversed.