I firmly believe that one can reflect the happiness of marriage without being Pollyanna or delusional about it. What is needed is not a blow-by-blow account of the trying times in a marriage, but rather a practical view of what it is like to be happily married even while honestly realizing that marriage isn’t always some fantastic la-la land of bliss and bonbons.

My husband Chris and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. Naturally, my thoughts tend to turn to the sentimental and syrupy on such occasions. However, this year I found my thoughts filled with a certain poignancy: In much of my recent reading, I have noted the growing trend among women to write savagely about their marriages and their husbands.

What we say—and how we say it—is a vital key in marriage.

I’m not sure that we as a society should be surprised by the books and columns hitting the shelves, filled with shrill lists of all that is wrong with marriage and with husbands. After all, I have heard the same types of things said at all types of gatherings for as long as I can remember. It seems that in any group, there is at least one woman who rarely speaks of marriage or her mate in a positive light.

The Bible has a lot to say about how we use our speech. Proverbs 11:12 says, “A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue” (New International Version throughout). Of course, this doesn’t apply only to men. We read in Proverbs 31:26 that the wife of noble character “speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

What we say—and how we say it—is a vital key in marriage, whether we consider what is said inside the home or what is said outside the home.

Inside the home—agreeing to agree

I’ve read in several places that researchers conclude that about two thirds of married couples’ disagreements will end unresolved—even in perfectly happy marriages! The thinking here is that many disagreements stem from basic elements of the spouses’ personality or psychology, and thus these cannot be completely resolved.

My husband and I are not one of those couples who can claim to “never argue.” Through the years, we’ve disagreed about where bread should be kept (counter or refrigerator), how socks should be folded and the proper pronunciation of words like “folk.” Of course, the disagreements I mention are the lighter side—we’ve disagreed on many things that weren’t humorous (or at least didn’t seem so at the time).

What seems to make the difference isn’t how many disagreements a couple has or how fundamental the issues are. Rather, the difference lies in how the couple treats any given disagreement and how they think of disagreements in general.

The first step is to bear in mind that our attitude toward our marriage and our partner should be that of striving to agree with one another—or perhaps it is better put that we should be striving to be agreeable with one another. Two people who are striving to be agreeable will try to avoid sharp words and sweeping statements. Each will be thinking of the other’s feelings. They will focus not only on the issue at hand, but also on seeking a solution that moves the two of them together, rather than apart.

In Ephesians 5:21 Paul instructs Christians to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” As married people, we must remember that our marriage is a representation of Christ’s relationship with His Church. As such, we must be willing to yield to one another for the sake of the good of the relationship. If we go into a disagreement with the idea that one of us must “win,” both partners will ultimately lose. Such disagreements do not build the marriage—they weaken it.

Instead of seeking to win a disagreement—thinking of “me”—we must think of how to find a solution that strengthens the “we”—the relationship itself. What solution is reached is not the point; rather, the process of reaching a solution is what will move two people closer together or farther apart. Further, as we show honor to one another, we honor Christ.

I came to see my speech had incredible potential to bring my husband either good or harm.

Of the disagreements I mentioned (bread, socks and pronunciation), none is a huge issue. The solutions we reached? Respectively: I would put the bread in the refrigerator, according to his wishes; he would fold his socks his way and I would fold mine my way; and we would pronounce certain words according to Webster’s. This allowed us to not only remove the irritant, but to keep our perspective and not allow small things to grow into large ones. It’s a small change of wording, but a big change in attitude.

My husband has his quirks, and I have mine. Sometimes those quirks collide, and there’s a bit of disagreement in the air. But we have reached the point in our marriage where we almost always end up both apologizing for being disagreeable and out of sorts.

Outside the home—doing no harm

The other part of taming our treacherous tongues occurs outside the home. Those who are writing the literary works on unhappiness in marriage have a lot of responsibility here.

Negative statements are so easy to make. We live in a time that claims to value honesty at all cost—as long as the cost isn’t one’s own. This pressure to be “real” and to be “blunt” pretends to offer relief to one’s own feelings and to keep one’s relationships free of facade.

What I discovered early on in my marriage, though, was that making noise to others about my husband’s shortcomings didn’t make me feel better or take any of the frustration out of my feelings. Instead of allowing me to regain focus on the basic soundness of our marriage, it pushed me to look for yet more problems. It didn’t resolve a thing. My complaints also encouraged others to complain about their own husbands. We didn’t achieve solutions. We just wallowed in being negative and feeling smugly frustrated about how clueless our husbands were.

For me, something needed to change

Proverbs 31:12, in speaking of the wife of noble character, says, “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

What I came to see was that my speech had incredible potential to bring my husband either good or harm. Some of the people I knew would never really get to know my husband. I was his public relations officer, and frankly I was doing a lousy job.

Two people who are striving to be agreeable will try to avoid sharp words and sweeping statements.

Even if all of one’s complaints about one’s marriage partner are valid, there are only certain times and certain people with whom they should be shared. There are absolutely times when it is wise to go and seek counsel about a problem in one’s marriage (or any relationship). The first step is to go to that cherished partner—husband or wife—about the issue. If it’s not worth talking to him or her about, then it’s not worth bringing it to any other audience.

A turning point in my attitude came when an acquaintance mentioned that my husband had said something to her about a quality of mine that he valued. Mixed with my pleasure in hearing that he spoke well of me when I was not present was discomfort at some things I had said about him when he was not present. They weren’t big complaints or major issues, but they certainly weren’t compliments. How would he feel if someone told him of those things? When we spill dirt about our spouse, we cast them in a negative light and make ourselves look small-minded—and we dishonor God who ordained marriage.

On the other hand, when we use our speech to build up our spouse—whether he or she is present or not—we demonstrate love and honor. We illustrate for those around us the joy and peace of marriage, and we give our spouse, our convictions and ourselves a good reputation.

I like the fact that my husband and I work together and that we work well together. When I look back, I am amazed at the different opportunities that have come our way, and I am excited about the new opportunities that appear to be just over the horizon. I can be excited about them because I know that we will tackle these things together.

I love that I can brag on my husband to others where appropriate—and that he doesn’t do it himself. I love that when my husband’s name comes up in our social circles, I only hear good things. I love being able to add to those good things in my own speech and conduct. I love knowing that when my name comes up or when the topic of marriage arises, Chris will not be saying rude things or telling stories of my faults. I can hold my head up when I meet his friends and coworkers, knowing that he has been careful with my reputation.

I am glad that we can show our children a good working partnership between people who enjoy each other and enjoying being with each other.

When my husband and I took our marriage vows 13 years ago, we promised to love, to honor, to cherish and to respect one another. Over the years, we have learned to take those vows very seriously indeed, especially as they apply to our attitudes and our speech. When we open our mouths to speak, we have the ability to do great good or great harm. It is imperative that we choose carefully before we ever utter a word.