It was a warm, summer morning in New Bedford, Ohio. Soft breezes gently swayed the leaves on the maple tree in the front yard of our home. It was July 17, 1986. I had the day off work and it was promising to be an enjoyable day with my family.

The children woke up and Jonathan, our one year old, was bouncing on my knee. My wife enjoyed one of those peak moments in life that morning. He said "Mama" for the first time that morning. Later that same morning, Daniel and Mary Ann, our two older children, went with me as I adjusted the brakes on our Pontiac. In spite of busy fingers, dirty faces and countless questions, we completed the job in record time.

Then the children stepped back so I could test the brakes. I got in the car, shifted to reverse and slowly began to back up--when suddenly I felt an unusual bump.

The children screamed! "What toy," I thought, "did I run over now?" So I continued to back up expecting to see a smashed little red wagon. But instead I saw, there in the driveway, the lifeless body of my youngest son--Jonathan.

I jumped out of the car and as I ran up to Jonathan many questions raced through my mind: How could this have happened? I thought Jonathan was in the house. How would I tell my wife? How would I comfort the children when I had just killed their brother and our son?

My wife came running, as the children looked on stunned. We all stood in unspoken grief as we realized that Jonathan was dead. What could we do? Where could we go for help?

"Seek God," I thought. But then I wondered, would God support me when I had just killed my son?

We called the paramedics and took our children to the house. A day that had begun so pleasantly had suddenly turned into a nightmare.

Tragedy becomes real

We live in a world where tragedies abound. We read of them in the newspaper and see them reported on television. But we think they happen to other people. I realize now, and the police reminded me that day, that these things can happen to anyone. The grim reality is that, even as you are reading this article, someone somewhere is experiencing a tragedy similar to ours.

How can we deal with such devastating situations? How do you pull through without having your life totally disintegrate? Can you enjoy life after such a tragedy, or is it an endless series of nightmares?

From experience I can say that, yes, life can be enjoyed even after the worst of tragedies. Eventually the pain subsides, and if handled properly, it can become a motivation that will bring some very positive changes in your life. Perhaps this article--a message from one who has been there--will bring hope and encouragement to those who are even now experiencing similar tragedies.

Time and chance

The first thing that usually comes to mind in the aftermath of a tragedy is the big question why? Why did this happen? Why did it happen to me? And on the heels of those thoughts and emotions come the "if only"s. If only I had done this, or not done that. In my case it was, "If only I would have known that my baby was around"--but the reality is that I did not know. If I had known, then it certainly would never have occurred.

Even King Solomon pondered these questions when he set his heart "to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all that is done under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 1:13). But after all his research into human experience, he concluded that "time and chance happen to them all" (Ecclesiastes 9:11).

Time and chance had called on us. Jonathan, whom I had last seen as a bouncing baby in the house, was lured by curiosity and had crept underneath the car. Why didn't he come to the side of the car I was working where I would have seen him? Why did he crawl underneath the car where I couldn't see him? How did he get there in the first place? Why did he have to be located by the tire the moment I had backed up?

Of course, God intervenes powerfully for His people on many occasions. But, as Solomon pointed out, time and chance do affect us all.

Help is promised

When time and chance happen to His people, God sometimes chooses not to intervene if He sees that it will be to our ultimate good. Nevertheless, He promises that "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Furthermore, God promises that we will not suffer anything that is not common to man, or above what we are able to bear. And most importantly, He always provides a way of escape to endure such trials (1 Corinthians 10:13).

These promises are true, and my family found great comfort in them. Yes, God allows trials for our ultimate good, but He always provides a way out. Often in the aftermath of a tragedy we are in a state of shock. We need something as solid as a rock to which we can anchor--and that rock is Christ (1 Corinthians 10:4). Friends can help, but ultimately it is God who sees us through and heals our wounds.

Jesus Christ knew that it is a natural human emotion to be grief-stricken and to mourn when a loved one dies unexpectedly. During the last hours before His crucifixion He told his disciples that He would be "going away"--He would die. He said, "because I have said these things to you, sorrow has filled your heart" (John 16:5-6).

Then He said, "Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away..." Can you imagine how the disciples must have felt about this statement? But next He gives the key to overcoming any tragedy without having long-term mental distress: "for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you" (John 16:7).

Jesus was sending help--help that would guide, strengthen, comfort and empower His people at all times, but especially in times of trouble. This helper is none other than the very power of God--the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:19). Luke wrote that the brethren in the early Church, after having experienced great persecution and the tragic death of Stephen, "had peace and were edified. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, they were multiplied" (Acts 9:31, see also Acts 4:1-31; 5:17-42; 6:8-7:60).

Paul wrote to Timothy urging him "to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:6-7).

During a time of tragedy we need more than anything else love, comfort, and a good strong sound mind filled with wisdom to maneuver through the emotional jungle ahead. And it is available! God promises His Spirit and a liberal supply of wisdom to all those who ask Him (Luke 11:13, James 1:5).

Accepting reality

The first step toward a healthy recovery is to accept the reality of what happened. This is a very necessary step, even though it may seem easier, at first, not to face it. Reality can be very painful, even nightmarish, but it is necessary to get things in the open and discuss what happened, especially with your immediate family or your close friends. You need not be ashamed of the emotions that are sure to be present. I remember recounting the event to a close friend of mine and finding great comfort in doing so.

In our case the whole family was at the scene of the accident. Both children saw their younger brother, whom they loved, die. It was a traumatic experience for them to face, but children have an amazing ability to cope with abnormal circumstances if they are simply told the truth. They accept reality and God's promises with an inspiring childlike faith that adults would do well to develop. Our children immediately accepted and were soothed by God's promise to resurrect their little brother in the future.

Knowing the truth about life after death was of great comfort to us and gave us hope knowing that our son would live again. It helped us all to accept the reality of what had happened.

Pitfalls to avoid

In charting your way through the emotional jungle, there are some things that you will want to avoid. Otherwise you may cause yourself untold additional pain and grief.

The first thing our minister told my family when he arrived at our home was, "Whatever you do, don't start blaming each other or God." I will be forever grateful for his wise counsel--it helped us avoid many pitfalls.

It is only natural to want to blame something or someone for what happened, but it is a useless, unproductive waste of time. No matter how much blame or accusation is leveled against something or someone, it will not change the reality of what occurred. It will only extend the emotional anguish and prolong the process of accepting what happened. This, of course, does not mean that if there was some criminal activity involved that appropriate legal action should not be pursued, but leave that to the lawyers and the courts. Don't allow a court of accusers to be in session in your mind. It will only perpetuate the misery.

It is especially important to not accuse or lay blame if a member of the family appears to have been the cause of the accident. In our case this was true. This could have been a spawning ground for accusations, blame and painful arguments. However, we realized that we needed each other's encouragement and comfort, not accusations. It saved us untold grief and greatly strengthened our relationship.

The grim reality was that our situation was exactly what Solomon described--a product of time and chance. And, as the officer told me that day, sometimes no matter how careful you are, accidents can and will happen.

Dealing with emotions

At times like this many strong emotions come forth, ranging from anger to guilt, from anxiety to utter despair. All these are quite normal during bereavement. The important thing is to bring and keep them out in the open until healing is complete. Make sure communication stays strong in the family. Discuss the tragedy as often as necessary to allow each family member to come to terms with it.

This is especially important with children--they may be little, but their minds have an amazing capacity to discern fact from fiction. They find comfort in facts, but feel insecure and distressed when they are given vague answers.

All these emotions are a natural reaction to human experience. They help us develop sensitivity and compassion for others. We begin to understand why and how God is sensitive to our needs, especially at times such as these.

Allowing tragic experiences to change you

After you have accepted what has occurred, it is important to ask yourself some questions: "How can this help me make positive changes in my life? What could I possibly learn from this experience that would improve my life and the lives of others? What could be the reasons that God allowed me to suffer like this?"

Notice the words of Paul in his letter to the Corinthians: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:3). This is certainly true, and in the next verse he gives the reason why God allows us to suffer: He "comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Insightful words indeed! God expects us to use our experiences to comfort others in the same way that He comforted us. And in the process of doing so we find yet the greatest comfort of all--joy. You will find joy as you reach out to others--comforting and encouraging them with the sensitivity you have to their circumstance because of your own experience. The amazing thing is, you will find that this will speed your healing process like ointment in an open wound. This is why Paul could say: "I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation" (2 Corinthians 7:4). The second great benefit that can come from a tragic experience is an unrelenting motivation to be in God's Kingdom. The death of a loved one should naturally fill us with a sense of obligation and responsibility to seek that Kingdom--if not for your own benefit, certainly for the benefit of the deceased.

For me, the death of our son has been the single biggest motivation in my life. It has helped me focus on what is truly important--seeking first the Kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33). When we do that, God promises a truly abundant and prosperous life (John 10:10). A better and more meaningful family life is sure to result when you focus on the Kingdom of God and use your experiences to help others by having compassion and giving encouragement to them.

Looking to the future

The final step is to look to the future. The Bible is replete with promises of a future life for the deceased. Jesus himself said, "He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live . . . for the hour is coming in which all who are in the graves will hear His voice and come forth" (John 11:25; 5:28-29). The prophet Ezekiel saw the resurrection of the dead in a vision from God and graphically recorded it for us in Ezekiel 37.

I remember the very first thought in my mind when I saw my son dead in the driveway. "He will live again, he will be resurrected to life."

It is important to talk about the deceased as years go by, to keep them a part of the family. We have had many inspiring discussions with our children about our son and their brother and what it will be like in the new life. They know and understand God's promise of a much better life in this world to come. (Be sure to read the author's article on The Resurrection in the July 1999 edition of VCM)

Zechariah prophesied a time when "Old men and old women shall again sit in the streets of Jerusalem, each one with his staff in his hand because of great age. The streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in its streets" (Zechariah 8:4-5). This is certainly not a description of Jerusalem today, but it is the sure reality of the world tomorrow.

Time and chance is a reality that we all face in this world today. All of us have experienced its repercussions to a greater or lesser degree. It is a reality that we must accept. With God's loving help and comfort we can actually allow tragic experiences to motivate us to a more positive and abundant life--one that is focused on the Kingdom of God.