Are your relationships with your spouse, your closest friends, church brethren, or even coworkers suffering with an exhausting measure of tension, distrust and drama?

Circumstances and disagreements will happen to all of us.

But today I’d like to introduce you to a term psychologists use for one of the most hurtful causes of damage to the most important relationships in our lives. Triangulation.

Triangulation is when you have an issue and concern with someone, and instead of going to that person, a third party is included into the matter that simply does not belong to them. Jesus Christ was aware of this ineffective way of dealing with matters in relationships and taught us how to avoid it in Matthew 18:15. He said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him what he did without other people hearing it. If he listens to you, you have won your brother back again” (NLV).

Certified mental health counselor and author Anne Katherine expounded on the battle against triangulation in her book titled Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. In it she states: “Emotionally charged statements should go directly to the person involved, not through someone else. Passing on a secret confided by a friend violates [their] trust. Talking about your issues about one friend with another friend harms three relationships—your relationship with your absent friend, your friend’s relationship with your absent friend, and your relationship with the person you’re talking to.”

“Are there any exceptions? I can think of one. If you sense that a friend or someone in your workplace is behaving somewhat abnormally and you’re trying to check yourperception with someone else who knows this person, it may be necessary to discuss him with a third party.” She adds: “Intent is important here. If your intent is to malign him, look at yourself. If your intent is to get [your vision clear], with the possible outcome of helping him, then talking to someone else who knows him may be the only option you have.” But again, this is not to be used as a way to share your brother’s issues with others.

Solomon said in Proverbs 17:9, “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends.” Remember his wise words the next time you find yourself taking part in triangulation by hearing or sharing information about someone else to others that is unnecessary. Even if the information is entirely true or seems innocent, it can cause harm to the people that we love and we can deceive our hearts in doing so (James 1:26). Follow the loving commands of Jesus Christ in dealing with our conflicts with others and you’ll be shocked to find the drama of triangulation disappear in your life.