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One, But Not the Same

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One, But Not the Same

by Michelle Brunick 10 comments Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
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Have you ever had a soul mate? Someone you could spend every waking moment of your day with and never get tired of? Someone you want to give your life to? That's how I felt about a friend of mine in college.

I was going through some tough times emotionally, spiritually and mentally at a highly competitive college. As many of you who have chosen a path in engineering know, it's no cakewalk.

I was sitting (practically sleeping) in "Electromagnetics" one morning when an ice cold Coke was placed in front of me. I followed the hand on the can up to a beautiful pair of blue eyes and a smiling face. He whispered below the professor's words, "Here, this always helps me--I wouldn't dare come to this class without one!"

I muffled a laugh and accepted his offering. After class we started talking and decided to meet later to work on the impossible problem sets for the class. I came to find out that Brian (as I'll call him) was in a few of my other impossible classes, so we planned to work on those together too. The next thing I knew, we were spending hours upon hours together every day. I looked forward to our study sessions and actually began to enjoy school, even "Electromagnetics"!

This brilliant, sweet, charming guy had many qualities that I absolutely admired. Before I realized it, he had stolen my heart. Brian actually reminded me a lot of my dad with his tall stature, dark hair and dry humor. My time with him was the best part of my day.

We began talking about deeper topics like evolution, and what happens after you die. The thought occurred to me that God may be working with Brian. I was even more excited at that point because we had become such close friends and it would truly be wonderful to become more than that. Our discussions continued over months and he seemed to be very interested in aspects of our religion that are so different from others.

Not knowing what would happen next, I was reluctant to start a relationship, but emotions took over and we began to date. From surprise lunches between classes to birthday flowers, we spoiled each other without end. Our discussions became less and less about God and His plan and more about us.

In the back of my mind, I felt myself drifting away from God, but didn't have the courage to stop or turn around. I wanted to, but on the other hand, I wanted so much to be with Brian.

One day, I sat staring at the phone on my desk and the U2 song "One" came on the radio. Brian and I are both huge U2 fans and "One" was our favorite song. The next thing I knew, tears were pouring down my face as I was thinking about the chorus to the song, "We're one, but we're not the same..."

How true that was! Brian and I were one, but we weren't the same. For whatever reason, God was not calling him, but He was calling me and I had an obligation to answer (which I did a few months later at baptism).

The most difficult task

 I then picked up the phone and did the most difficult thing I've ever had to do—push away my best friend, a person very dear to my heart—my soul mate. God made me realize that it just wouldn't work out. Sure we would be happy together, but I knew I'd always feel that missing dimension in our relationship. God's Spirit is crucial to the marriage covenant and I don't want to be without it.

Brian knew me well, but not all of me. He knows my beliefs are very important to me, but he doesn't fully understand why. And that day, he didn't understand why I was breaking up with him. He thought we could work around it and compromise, but there is no compromise to God's way.

Brian was so hurt after that phone call, but he tried not to let on or take it out on me. He still remained his happy self, but did avoid my presence if possible. It hurt so much to see him push me away, but I knew he didn't understand why I did what I did. He won't ever understand until God reveals the truth to him, and that is the part most painful to me.

As graduation approached, Brian began calling me again and wanting to spend time together. I felt like we had returned to our friendship days and were finally able to put the relationship stuff in the past. But just before graduation, he said he didn't know how he was going to live without me and he wanted me to move out to where his new job was to start a life together. I was a bit surprised, but really should not have been, because I was dreading the thought of a "life without Brian" too. But here it is a year later and I'm still alive!

What I learned

So what is the moral of this story? Well, there are four main things I've learned from this:

  1. Guard your heart. God warns us not to awaken love before its time. If I had to do things over again, I would have kept things as friends. I should have relied more on God and not trusted my own desires. God promises to bless those who follow Him, and I should have had more faith in that.

  2. If God was truly calling Brian, He could have done it without me. At points in the relationship when I knew that God was probably not happy with my actions, I couldn't back out because I felt like Brian's only connection to the truth. But I should have realized that God would never put me in a situation where I needed to do something wrong for the calling of another.

  3. If things were as wonderful with Brian as they were, they will be even better with someone who has God's Spirit.

  4. I am comforted by my decision. I believe I did the right thing. Do I miss him? Absolutely! I think about him often, and that U2 song "One" will always bring back a memory or two. But I have the peace of mind that I chose wisely. I was protecting myself with my choice, but I was also protecting Brian from the future pain of a rocky marriage.

Some young people in God's Church choose to date outside of their religion. After my experiences, I feel I must warn you that it's the tougher way to go. As I look back on the situation, I wonder why I was even bothering with someone who was missing my highest criteria for a husband. Sure he fit all of the other profiles perfectly, but they all meant nothing without God's Spirit and truth.

 I know many of you deal with situations similar to this all of the time, which is what inspired me to write this. All I can say is, hang in there! You are precious to God and He only wants the best for you. You will be rewarded for doing what is right! It's extremely hard to stay focused on what God wants us to do. The path of the righteous is narrow and there are few who find it!

There are many wonderful young men and women out in the world who will make excellent mates someday, but I don't feel that is what God wants for His people. God designed marriage to be the most influential connection between two humans. He modeled the marriage relationship after Christ's future relationship with the Church. I want my mate to understand that and have a similar perspective on our relationship. Then my future husband and I can work together as "One" and this time we will be the same. YU

Friends Youth Romance Choosing a Mate Marriage and Family Faith Character

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Comments

  • JPatton
    JPatton

    learning curves. However, spiritual growth is accelerated the more a person actively acts to put God’s word into practice in their daily life. Indeed, you will really know a person by their fruits not their talk. But keep in mind none is perfect yet, and we are all reforming sinners: see Matt 7:16, Matt 7:20, Luke 6:44, Matt 12:33, Mark 10:8, 1 John 4:18 and Romans 3:10.
    The one who interested me was not quick to adopt the Sabbath, Holy Days or other things such as the food laws. She wasn’t just “complying” with my religious checklist in order to snag me. There have been far too many people in the Church of God who snagged a partner only to wake up after the honeymoon to discover the sober reality to the phrase: “And THEN they were married.” Our relationship took years to mature and it is still growing. My intended’s choices revealed the hidden things of her heart, which God had prompted. I may have been a useful tool to this change process, but it was God who wrought it. She was baptized at the first full Feast of Tabernacles that she had kept.
    After that I was ready to commit to a marriage, because we were spiritual equals, able to equally pull under Christ’s yoke. Now we both had the Holy Spirit to guide us and help us to overcome ourselves. We have now been married three years and our relationship has developed over about seven years. This was not a quickie Las Vegas marriage.
    As we continue to grow into the full stature of Christ, we had encountered and will yet in the future have trials and difficulties. This is life. But we have God’s Spirit to bind us together and to help us life each other up as needed.
    One great side benefit of starting a relationship with a woman who did not have a Church of God background was that I had to re-prove for myself my own beliefs, before I could teach them to my girlfriend.
    The key lesson is to put faith first. Remember to have patience in God’s timing. Don’t give up easily on someone you sense could be right for you, if you can see God working in her/his life. Sometimes I needed some help to recognize those fruits. My own happily married parents could see at times what I could not. Choosing wise marital counsellor(s) is critical because some “friends” or even parents can and will give you the wrong counsel.
    (Part 4 of 4 finish)

  • JPatton
    JPatton

    what the Bible says. That had to come from God. "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him…” – John 6:44, see also Jeremiah 31:3 and John 6:65. I knew this but not from first hand experience. All my arguing about this or that point of biblical teaching did not seem to persuade--immediately. As I learned: it is not by my mighty arguments or my powerful reasoning--but by the quiet persuasive calling that comes from God--by this the human heart is changed.
    Over the course of three plus years (two of those long distance) we studied, together, every major doctrinal belief that the Churches of God believe, including many of the minor ones. I learned a lot myself by having to prove what I believed. While we didn’t always see it the same way, the thing we could always agree on was that the Bible is the Word of God, and that we should listen to and keep His words.
    I could see progress was being made and my parents counseled patience. Wait and watch for fruits. I knew that to marry someone who did not share a similar commitment to the Truth was to be unequally yoked. This principle is found in 2 Corinthians 6:14. While the church most typically applies this principle to the marital possibilities of potential mates, it can also apply to the subject of spiritual fellowships and affiliation: “For how can two walk together lest they are agreed?” – Amos 3:3.
    But I also think it’s true about which human beings God the Father and Jesus Christ will choose as partners in their everlasting covenant of peace. We must put first things first. “My yoke is easy and my burden is light” – Matthew 11:30.
    Our actions should show our commitment to being holy as he is holy so that we may be equally yoked with Christ and the Father. Of course we are but human. We falter and err. This is the whole reason for Christ’s sacrifice: to do away with our sins. Individually and collectively we need that. As a married couple we need God and His teachings at the core of our relationship in order to guide our actions that would otherwise tend towards strife, as carnal human nature is inherently selfish.
    So yes, it is better to be married within the household of faith, to one who has the Holy Spirit and actively uses it.
    To create a godly marital relationship takes time and patience because growing spiritually takes time. People have different (Part 3 of 4 continue...)

  • JPatton
    JPatton

    discussed some of the things I could expect, and some of the trials that I would have to endure. A day or two later I was baptised in the pool at the place I was staying. Everyone disappeared as if on cue right as we were about to go down in to the water. Right after baptism in the pool I remember him specifically asking me if wanted to register with the church organization as a baptised member. I said no, we are baptised in to the body of Christ, not any one organization. He acknowledged that as being fine with him.
    Baptism was the turning point. It was not easy the next year, nor has it been since but I always keep coming back to God and seeking him first.
    It was about a year or so that I went on a few dates. But they did not end well since we were on different wavelengths. It must have been at this point that God said, “Ok, now you are ready to begin a real journey.” A short while after I had “given up dating,” I got a call from a friend. She said I should come out to the campus pub with her for some music event. I didn’t want to go, probably because I was not all that interested. At this point she said, “Well, Heather will be there.” That comment rang a bell, so I did go. The mutual friend ditched me in Heather’s company and we sat in the corner talking. We had a good night. So, I asked her out on a first date the following week.
    We got along well, but she was in fourth year near the end of her program while I had two years to finish in my 5 year program (including co-op). By the time she had to leave after her graduation it was a sorrowful good bye. But it proved not to be the end of our relationship.
    Early on I told her about some of the things I believed like keeping the Sabbath and the food laws. I got out my Bible and showed her where those doctrines were taught. I also told her that I believed that the Bible was and still is true and it is God’s word and we should keep it all not pick and choose. She agreed with me on that point and pretty much nothing else at the time. She had grown up with a background in Protestantism. During her university days, she had more or less suspended her religious involvement. But now that I brought the Bible back into her life, she didn’t turn away from me and she renewed her interest in the Scriptures.
    
I came to learn that I could not convince nor convict her about (part 2 of 4 continue...)

  • JPatton
    JPatton

    Michelle, I have had a similar experience to you and I would like to share my story.
    I had dated various girls in the world off and on starting senior year high school throughout my second and third years of University. Without the option of really dating within the Church due to the small congregation and myself being the oldest of any of the children who attended I had pretty much given up on dating in the world at that point and had no prospects or inkling what would happen next. Being in western Canada there were few young people involved in the Church and to get together one had to travel long distances. Obviously the obstacle of distance and the fact that I myself was in Electrical Engineering did not afford me the opportunity or time to be all that social outside my local area. I must also admit that I am no extrovert and enjoy solitude just as much as company with people, but that did not mean I had not been praying for God to prepare me for marriage and likewise with some future wife that I had not yet met.
    The turning point was when I was in second year and my parents had just moved to London, UK with my brothers, leaving me here to finish my studies. I was truly on my own and had to be independent, but that did not mean I forgot about God. I made the weekly or however often possible trip to church services, which were about 115km away one way. I often had time to think in the car. It was after one service during fellowship with some of the local brethren that one of the older ladies asked me why I was not baptised yet. She challenged me to re-evaluate just why I had not yet become baptised. I had no answer, there really was no reason I should not have been baptised. I understood the commitment, the future hardships I may endure, and that I would have to put faith and God first. In fact I had known this for quite some time since my parents gave me the ultimatum to “make God my God, not the got of my parents” when they gave me the choice whether I wanted to continue attending church services at the age of 14. Of course I had done a lot of growing up between then and entering my early twenties.
    During the fall at the Feast after being asked why I wasn’t baptised, I asked a minister whom I had know for a long time but not from my local congregation to baptize me. We walked along the beach by Lake Okanagan and (Part 1 of 4 continue...)

  • KARS
    Kathy Shafer

    It is nice to see this article online. Thank you very much.
    I too had a vicious battle of heart and mind to return to my early teachings of my youth. I wasn't being called then but the foundation of truth was planted at the age of 20. It's just as the scripture says to train up a child in the way they should go and they will never depart from it. Because of these teachings they began to echo in my memory and I fought with total heart and mind to return to the truth.
    Jesus once said that we cannot serve two masters; true religion vs false religion.
    "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon." Matthew 6:2;compare Luke 16:13 NKJV
    Two religions in the same household is a war zone of beliefs, circular reasoning, contentions, hate, anger, etc. Very negative additudes and an unpeaceful life. So why put yourself through it.

  • Akoli4christ
    Akoli Blessings...

    Your piece is a wonderful one, a guide to the younger generation of believers accross the globe who believe they can compromise in term of our eternal race. How can marry a muslim girl whose god is presented as cruel, murderer whose followers kill innocent people globally saying they are offering service to him while Jehovah whom I serve is merciful, loving, kind, longsuffering, forgiving and gracious? When the end fail to justify the means, what will I do?

  • EvanToledo
    Evan Toledo

    What a wonderful article! If you think dating outside the truth is tough, try marriage in that situation. Despite best intentions on both sides, marriage to an unconverted mate can be similar to the warfare Satan and his demons have declared on true Christians. I really think that is one of Satan's favorite devices to help Christians fall away!

    Be strong in following our God---He cares so much about our lives now and as begotten members of His Family.

  • Osajie
    Samson Osajie

    Good article. Your story is almost similar to mine. It is good and peaceful to date and marry in the faith.Thank you for sharing your story.

  • dziwczyna
    Nadine

    Good article. I've been in the same position before, and thankfully learned a lot from it, although I wish I would've been wiser not to put myself in that position in the first place.

    Although I miss that kind of companionship, and know how hard it can be to find someone in the church, I know that dating someone outside of the church will only fill a temporary void. It also can place temptation in the way of having an intimate relationship, as most men (and women) outside of the church have worldly values.

    Always be upfront about your beliefs and values (don't hide them). Always put God first.

    "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you" Matt 6:33

  • John Miller
    John Miller

    Michelle thanks for writing this insightful article on a topic that is sometimes controversial. Your experience provides an excellent example on why true "oneness" can only be achieved by those that share the same religious convictions.

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